The Most Horrible Time of the Year

Today's the beginning of the crappiest month. How can it be crappy when it hasn't happened you ask?

Well, it's when I can look back on almost every single day I experienced five years ago to the day (how f'd up that it's already been FIVE years?) and remember how absolutely shitty every single day was for an entire month.

My father was dying and we didn't (really) know it.

Five years ago today my father went in for his surgery to remove the cancer from his esophagus. The surgery lasted for hours. We found out that the cancer had spread to his liver. But the surgeon said, "We got it all." We weren't told until the day before he died that they actually did not "get it all" as we had originally been led to believe and that for the month after the surgery, the cancer was just there, spreading, getting worse and slowly killing him. All while we lived with hope every single day that he was getting closer and closer to being himself and getting the f outta Dartmouth.

I remember leaving the crazy Shaker Village Inn that morning. My father could barely make it down the stairs. This man who had always been larger than life and the strongest person I knew, had very little strength- he could barely move. He had to hold onto the railing in order to make his way down the stairs and out to the car.

I remember going in once he was all prepped for surgery and saying we'd see him later. Scared as hell, but putting all the faith in the world (stupidly) that everything would be fine. I remember sitting at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center as a family, scared and anxious, crying and laughing, judging and eating, waiting and waiting and waiting.

Once my father came out of the surgery, we went into the recovery room for another brief period of time to see that he was doing okay. He talked a little, we talked a little and then he went off to the ICU for post-surgery recovery.

We probably walked out of the hospital feeling relieved and a little excited. We knew the road ahead wouldn't be easy, as the doctor told us he'd have to go through chemo again. But we were happy he made it through and that he'd be able to start on the road to living a "normal" life and be able to eat again.

But since that day five years ago so much has happened and my own recovery with this process has taken many twists and turns. In fact, I didn't even remember what today was until my sisters, mother and I had an email exchange going back and forth and Kara wrote, "On a darker note, anyone else thinking about 5 years ago today?"

I hadn't until she wrote that.

And now I can't stop thinking about how much I hate this time of year.

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Another Ass Kickin'

Today's workout was fantastic and yet it kicked. my. ass.

After the insane 100-rep day, Amy and I could barely move. We needed an extra few seconds to get up, a few extra minutes to get anywhere and a few extra hours of sleep we were never able to find in the short amount of time we spent together. So we just moved slowly for the remainder of Monday, all day Tuesday and all day today, Wednesday.

I started out doing 80-lb. single leg presses on a seated leg press machine.


(That's not me in the picture, in case you were wondering).

Next up was oblique exercise using one of the machines. I'm not skilled enough to explain how the movement goes or to search google for an image. But I did it.

I really do not like to do tricep dips. However, it is one of those exercises which shows me how far I've come in my physical abilities. When I first started working with Britt, I could barely do these. Now I can do a set without wanting to die. It still hurts like hell, but...



On this last set I did bench ab leg raises which I could feel throughout my entire midsection. It was a hard exercise to do, but it felt really good.



I did this set four times. Then did sprints on the elliptical. 1-minute easy, 1-minute sprint(ish) three times. I was able to get my HR up to 171. My favorite part was I was able to hang with Amy for just over six minutes. I laugh now thinking about me trying to not die of exhaustion and Amy asking questions like "What time is it?" "How much longer do you have?" I literally couldn't even answer her questions. Every ounce of energy and oxygen I had was saved for the next interval. Amy- if you're reading this, I hope you're laughing as much as I am right now!

After that set was done, we continued on with the last bit which included four seeminly quick exercises:

First up, the hamstring curl


Followed by a single arm chest press with a 20 LB. FRICKIN' WEIGHT. That was really hard, but also very satisfying to see that I could do lift that!


And then I finished it off with a back exercise


The workouts are getting really intense. I'm lifting more weight and I'm feeling more soreness the days after. And I'm finding that my body is needing additional recovery time. But that could also be due to the fact that I'm still eating like shit. I've given myself a deadline- August 1st- to get my act pulled together and to focus on the nutritional aspect of my weight-loss efforts.

All this working out IS great and it IS helpful, but if I don't get my eating under control, it's never going to be as effective as I want (or need) it to be. So that's the next step.

In the meantime, I'm embracing the soreness!

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100 Reps

Yeah, that is not a type in my title. Today Brittany surprised me and my guest, Amy, with a workout which consisted of 100 REPS of each exercise.

We started with 100 squats where we had to get low enough to touch our ass lightly on the weight bench and come right back up.

After that we did 100 overhead presses with different size weights. I started with 12 lb. weights and managed to do 50 reps. I did 30 more with 10 lb. weights and then finished off the last 20 reps with 8 lb'ers. I only hope I can move my arms tomorrow.

After that we did 100 crunches with our legs in a variety of angles- bent on the ground, 90* angle, straight up in the air. It was a nice break for our arms and legs, but it definitely hurt.

Next up was 100 reps of rowing using a weight machine while our legs were in a standing squat position. This one wasn't that bad. Probably because the weight maybe could have been a little heavier, but then I'm not sure I would have been able to do 100 reps.

We did plank for...you guessed it...100 seconds. After 20 seconds I came down and then had to take another couple of mini breaks before the 100 f'n second was us. It was hard to breath because my body was screaming.

Although I do the, begrudgingly, I really do not enjoy lunges. At all. So when Britt said that we had to do 100 standing split lunges, I wanted to cry. But instead I said, "I will do 100 standing split lunges on each leg, but this really might take me 20 minutes." Britt didn't believe me, but after I did about 15 on each leg in about 5 minutes, she eased up a bit and said I just had to do 50 on each leg, for a total of 100. This made me happy, even though I normally do not like for her to give me a break or go easy on me.

Next we did 10 sets of the stairs (not that bad, maybe 20 steps, if that many, in all).

After the stairs we did Russian twists with a 10 lb. weight. Those hurt and I really struggled to make my way through them. Usually I do them on a weight bench and this time I was on the ground. It was, surprisingly, more difficult on the ground. I'm sure it had nothing to do with where I was doing them, but rather, because I had already done one million reps beforehand.

When we were done with the stairs we continued to do a bunch of ab/mat exercises:
* superman

* cat dog (holding for 30 seconds on each side)

*rolling hamstring (doing this exercise literally made me squeal like a little girl, surprising both brittany & amy)

*side bridge


Tomorrow, I'm really just hoping I'll be able to move! This was a super hard workout, but it was also amazing to see that my body could endure. I'm getting stronger, there's no doubt about that, and it feels great!

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Weekend Recap

After my workout on Saturday, my lover and I went out for breakfast and enjoyed a nice meal at Babalu on Montana Avenue. Then after a much too short visit on my couch, I went down to Carson, CA to the Home Depot Center to wait in line for a Coldplay concert. A good friend of mine was nice enough to ask me if I wanted to join her for the concert and I didn't hesitate to say yes.

I've seen Coldplay once before and it was a really good concert. (Nothing has topped seeing U2 perform live though). And I was really looking forward to this one too. I don't see enough live music, but everytime I do go, I'm reminded of why I'd like to make more of an effort. Despite the warm temperature and long long wait, we made our way into the Home Depot Center around 630pm (only about three hours of waiting outside the HDC) and waited (mostly) patiently for the show to start.

Unfortunately the show started much later than I had hoped, and because we had general admissions tickets, we spent a lot of time jockeying for a decent position and being all passive aggressive with basically every single person around us. I hated that part of it. Almost as much as I hated being on my feet for so long. At one point I just sat down and waited about an hour and a half. Even though the opening acts were doing there thing, I just couldn't bring myself to get back on my feet.

Finally Coldplay came on around 930pm and they put on a great great show. Despite the ahole two rows in front of me who couldn't keep her hand out of the air ALL NIGHT, it was an amazing show. I got some great pictures too:











I also got some great video and am going to include just one here. It's Coldplay's version of Billy Jean and was a fun deviation from their own stuff.



Despite being on my feet for more hours than I'd care to be, I had a blast and felt truly entertained from the environment, to the music, to the actual show they put on for the fans. I got home and fell into bed a couple hours after I uploaded all the music and pulled the videos off my Flip.

I had grand plans to wake up and do laundry, dust, vacuum and completely clean the house. But after getting to bed so late and spending so much time on my feet (I know Molly, shut up already), I wasn't sure how that would go.

On Sunday I had the smart idea to meet two of my friends at the Speak Easy- my favorite bar in Santa Monica- around 2pm. I considered it to be a treat for all my hard work throughout the week and over the weekend. I managed to get in six workouts last week and I did get up at the crack of dawn and did all the laundry (washed, dried, folded and put away), dusted, vacuumed and completely cleaned the apartment so it was spotless.

Unfortunately I didn't leave the Speaks until 10pm. Several vitamin water and vodkas later, I literally stumbled into Steve's truck (and out of it at one point, which would explain the bruises on parts of my body I didn't recall having bruises on), made a pitiful stop at McDonald's and then we went home.

Throughout the eight hour outing at the Speak Easy, I had a blast. I haven't been drinking that much at all. Since I'm trying to be all healthy and shit, drinking is a very easy thing for me to cut out. Plus I have very easily identified that when I drink, I make very poor food choices. Case in point, on Sunday we ordered in pizza and I also ate mini twix bars, cheese puffs and McDonald's at home so I wouldn't be too drunk the next day. It sounds so disgusting, but of course, at the time, it all tasted delish.

Needless to say, the next day was a difficult one to get through. How I managed to work a full day is beyond me. It probably helped that I chose to take a nap during my lunch hour instead of actually eating. But the crappy food intake continued as well so I could "soak up the alcohol."

I really did have a very very fun time. But I'm also happy to say that I'm in absolutely no rush to recreate that night for a very very long time. It's too destructive on my body and I'm doing such a good job strengthening this body of mine. A little fun here and there isn't going to significantly set me back, but I've got grand plans that do not include self-destruction.

Sunday was a scheduled day off, but today, Monday, wasn't planned. And all I can say is that not working out today is the best decision I can make for me. I'll be back at it tomorrow!

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Taking the Lunge

Up until this past Saturday, I didn't really know there were (at least) four types of lunges. I'm sure there are more than that, however, my workout consisted of a lot of lunges. And four different types. I did 10 sets of each type of lunge FOUR times. That equals a heckuvalotta lunging.

I started with a basic front lunge.



I've done this quite a bit lately, and it's one exercise that helps me see just how much stronger my body has gotten. I can do these much easier than I was able to at the beginning.

Next I did a back lunge. I used to hate hate hate these. Mostly because it was so difficult and it felt like it was hurting me, not helping me. But they have sort of grown on me too.



After the back lunge, I moved into a side/lateral lunge. I've only done these one other time and I was not a big fan. What I've come to realize with the side/lateral lunge, however, is that you don't have to focus so much on going deep (that's when I get myself into trouble). Rather, just focus on the movement and getting the form down. As I do this exercise more and become stronger in my inner thighs, this exercise will become easier.



And the last lunge I did was a crossover lunge. It was the first time I had ever done it and it was really hard. Here's what it looks like:



I wobbled my way through the first few, and then focused a lot on keeping my head and chest upright without tipping too far forward all the while concentrating really hard on bringing my back knee to the ground. It was not an easy one, but it was oddly satisfying.

(Sorry the pictures are so lame. I didn't have a lot of great ones to choose from on Google).

That was just one part of my workout, though. I did more leg, arm and ab work. And voluntarily ended the hour with a one minute plank.

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Lazy...Takes on a Whole New Meaning!

I woke up this morning and I was sore.

What else is new?

I wanted to go back to bed. I wanted to give my body a rest and not work out. But instead of giving in, I got dressed and went to the gym. I had a cardio workout to do!

Except, I was lazy and instead of biking there and back, I got in my car and drove myself to the gym. How rad is it that being lazy now constitutes as driving myself to the gym?

If that's the new lazy, I'll take it!

I was back home and at my computer by 8am. I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical doing 1 min. trying to get my HR around 135 and then 30 seconds getting my HR up to 170. I did these intervals for 30 minutes. About halfway thru, I felt like the 1 min. rest period wasn't enough, so kicked it up to 2 mins. for a little bit and then powered through until the end. It was a good but hard workout. And, as I mentioned before, I'm still sore from yesterday's workout.

But I really am always sore so that's nothing new and I really just have to power through.

Tomorrow's workout is 50 minutes "easy" on the elliptical machine trying to keep my HR at 150. Giddy up!

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A New Relationship

I'm excited to tell you about my new relationship. While it's still relatively new, I think I'm prepared to introduce you since it's now been about two months. And I think that's enough time to know that it's serious. The commitment has been made and we've been really good about trying to see each other almost every day of the week. I thought, based on previous history, it might not work out. Maybe the time investment was more than I was looking for. Maybe I just would get bored (or lazy or both). Maybe something else would catch my attention. Maybe a million things.

But something else happened over the course of the past two months. I fell hard. Maybe because it's fresh. And exciting. Maybe because I am over my nerves and wondering how I look or if I'll fit in. In fact, it's probably because I just look forward to the time we spend together and how great it makes me feel afterwards.

Yes, my new relationship is with my gym. I've been a proud and hard working member of Equinox for two months now and have been really happy with the results. (Tomorrow I will be posting an update on the EIGHT inches I've lost over the course of these past two months). With the exception of when I was sidelined with a bronchial infection, I have been going to the gym 5-6 times a week.

As I've also posted on here before, I'm still working out with my kickass trainer, Britt. In fact, I signed up for another 12 sessions of personal training. I purchased 12 and they kicked in five free sessions. The manager of the personal training department, Franklin, said he really wanted to work with me and have me keep working out there. So he really made it worth my while and I really really appreciate it.

When I'm not working out with Britt, my workouts consist of cardio sessions- mostly on the elliptical trainer. I typically do interval training to get my HR up there. So it's something like, 40, 45, or 50 minutes with 1 minute normal and 1 minute sprinting. Or 2 minutes normal and 1 minute sprinting. The other day I did 20 minutes on the stairs where I did 1 1/2 minute normal and 30 seconds as fast as I could. By the end of 12 minutes, I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. So I went and did 30 minutes on the elliptical and then went and finished the last eight minutes on the stairs doing the same intervals.

When I do work with Britt we do all sorts of crazy things. Lots and lots and lots of legwork. Squats. Lunges (there seems to be about 100 different variations). Stair sprints. Step ups (which also has a lot of variations. Today the step-ups I did was after doing a sumo squat, I stepped onto a workout bench, brought one leg up and then stepped back down, repeating that 10 times). Lots of ab work- crunches on the bosu ball, crunches on the regular balance/exercise ball, plank, plank and more plank.

Today I did squats, into a curl and then an overhead press- first with 12 lb. weights, then 15 lb. weights and then finally, on my last set, 17 lb. weights because a man wanted the 15 lb. weights and I figured, why not try and see if I can lift the 17 lb. weights without wanting to die. Side note, in case you were wondering, I survived!

In all the time I've been working out with Britt, I've rarely done the same exercise twice. It's amazing and exciting at just how much I'm doing. My body is strong and it's in the process of becoming stronger. I'm grateful for how much my body is able to endure after how poorly I've treated it over the past decade.

And I'm proud of myself for sticking with the gym- both the cardio and especially the personal training- for as long as I have. I have made a huge change with my exercise routine and I have seen great results and progress. Although the weight hasn't come off as much as I'd like, the inches are coming off and I know with even more focus and attention on my nutrition, bigger changes are going to come. And this is very very exciting.

Go me!

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More Sleep Please

Ugh. I need more sleep. I've been feeling restless and tired lately. Need more sleep. Want more sleep. What can I do? Oh I know!

One small, but very important, change I've implemented over the past few days is to ban my iPhone from the bedroom at night. It's since been replaced with a not-so-fancy-but- incredibly-functional alarm clock.



The thing is, while I love my iPhone a lot, it wasn't helping in the "get more sleep" category. If I was having trouble sleeping, I'd turn it on and play a game or check my email, Facebook or twitter. If I woke up in the morning just a little bit before my iPhone alarm was set to go off, I'd just check my email quickly and before I knew it, I was being propelled out of bed by all the work just waiting for me. It made it impossible for me to fall back asleep, or to wake up slowly, or to even feel rested when I would wake up with a start and immediately get into go mode.

So I purchased a new alarm clock and in the past few days have already seen a tremendous difference. Before going to bed, I take my fun little iPhone out of the bedroom, turn it OFF and place it on the dining room table. When I have woken up in the morning, especially over the weekend, I've made an effort (successfully!) to fall back asleep and get more rest.

Such a small change, but such a huge difference!

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Progress

I'm sitting in an obnoxiously sweaty t-shirt after my sixth workout in seven days. I've completed three personal training sessions, two cardio workouts at the gym and one massively annoying bike ride to Venice and back (on the Fourth of July no less...probably one of THE busiest days of the entire year on that f'n boardwalk). And I feel great.

My eating has taken a bit of a nosedive in the past couple of weeks. It started with Kathy's service and then has gone downhill since then. But I'm determined to turn that right around and also, to focus on the positive changes I've been making.

Let's get to it.

I've mostly given up soda. I'm not a huge soda drinker, but I typically have one or two cans a day. And if fountain soda is around, well, forget it. I love fountain soda and can go to town on that when it's within my reach. But with a little nudge from Britt, and a link to an article about how nasty soda is for you, I've managed to mostly cut this out from my diet. It wasn't that hard to do and I haven't felt like I was going through caffeine withdrawals or anything like that. But it does feel good to be drinking that much more water and to know that by implementing such a small change, it has the potential to make a big difference.

As mentioned at the beginning of my post, my workouts have continued to be very consistent. Apart from one week when I was sick with a nasty bronchial infection, I have worked out 5-6 times a week since I joined the gym in the middle of May. I'm really loving working out. I love getting out of my apartment. I love seeing other people and being in an environment where people are healthy and happy to be working on improving their lives through exercise. But what I love the most is that I am working on improving my life through lots of hard work. I'm pushing myself even when I'm not working out with Britt (the best personal trainer around), but am especially pushed hard when I do work with her. My body is getting stronger and I'm able to see progress. I can now hold the plank position for 1 minute and 20 seconds. I can also lift up one leg at a time while holding the plan position. When Britt and I first started working together, I could only hold it for 30 seconds and I almost fell over when trying to lift a leg.

While we have only weighed and measured myself once since the initial consultation, I take a lot of comfort in knowing how much stronger my body is getting. I know the food portion of this will fall into place and it will help make this body function so much better once it does. Tomorrow we are going to weigh and measure, and this will provide me with a better benchmark for the next few months. And likely good motivation to make more positive changes from a nutritional perspective.

Another great change is that I have a permanent workout buddy! Katie (my twin) is finally living in Santa Monica and I was successfully able to talk her into joining the same gym I'm at. I feel like I'm headed somewhere great with this very long and tiresome battle with my weight and I want her there with me. I'm not sure what pushed her over the edge- experiencing how kickass Britt is herself, knowing that Ty Pennington works out at the same gym or what- but I'm very very happy that we'll be able to motivate, push and encourage one another.

Those are just a few of the changes I've already made. There are other ones (not working around the clock, not having it be such a battle to step away from the computer, taking a multi-vitamin, calcium supplement and fish oil pills, adding flax seeds to most of my breakfasts) and I'm sure there will be many many more in the upcoming months.

I'm convinced that not making a ton of major changes all at once is what is going to help make me successful in the long run and I look forward to updating you on more as they develop.

For now, I'm happy with the progress I've made to date and am proud of myself for getting into a healthy and consistent workout routine. One that pushes me every time and helps me get one step closer to the healthy body I KNOW is in here.

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