Down and Out

I've been feeling a little, okay a lot, down lately because my shins are really bothering me. I went for a run on Friday night after trying to get new sneakers and it hurt a little, but not too bad. More than anything, my body was stiff. After the first couple of minutes of running though, I loosened up and the run went much better. But on Saturday, my shins were a little sore. So I continued to ice them, went to yoga on Saturday and then went for a run on Sunday.

Sunday definitely didn't feel that good. And although, rationally, I knew I should just not run, I couldn't make myself stop. So I ran. I ran for six minutes without stopping actually. And then I walked. And then I ran. And then I walked. And then I ran. And then I walked. And then I stopped. And then I was realllllly sore. I had to ice as soon as I walked into my twin's apartment. My shins have now been pretty sore for the past couple of days, sometimes to the touch, and I'm mad at myself for running when I shouldn't have pushed myself and disappointed and discouraged that I keep facing the shin splint issue. I keep arriving back to the same question of "How am I going to run a marathon if I can't do the little bit of running I'm trying to do now?"

I've said before that I'm overweight (heck, it's in the title of my blog!). I'm sure that doesn't help the case at all. But really should I keep facing these issues? I'm thinking about seeing a podiatrist and getting some orthotics. But until I move on any of those things, I am going to be taking a few days off of running.

I haven't run since Sunday and I'm going away for two nights to Catalina with my mom and twin until Thursday. So we're looking at a run on Friday. I'm sure we'll be doing lots of walking around while we're in Catalina so if I'm concerned about getting exercise, I think I'll be fine. And I can certainly improvise!

Here's what I commit to over the course of the next few days while I am not running. I commit to eating healthful meals that give me energy and make me feel good about myself. I commit to doing yoga at least once in Catalina. I commit to relaxing, reading and writing while I'm on my "mini vacation." I commit to not getting down on myself for not running. I commit to giving my body some time off from running to feel better.

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What the Scale Doesn't Tell

I thought about my situation from yesterday and realized the reason that I don't want to weigh myself is because the number on the scale doesn't represent all the things I am doing to create a healthy body. All the hard work I am doing doesn't show up on the scale.

Here's what it doesn't show:
1. I don't binge eat anymore.
2. I'm able to recognize my hunger levels much better and can determine if I'm eating a meal because I'm hungry or because I'm bored.
3. I'm running...actually running (last night I actually increased my one minute increments to two minutes) and training for a marathon.
4. I am doing yoga.
5. I'm writing down what I eat so I can make better decisions and monitor what choices I am making all with the intention of making positive, healthful changes.
6. I am seeing a nutritionist.
7. I am seeing a therapist.
8. I am learning to take care of me, putting myself before others. (This is a hard one for me).
9. I am working hard every day at making some changes to my eating habits and how I take care of myself.
10. I'm experimenting with new foods (Also a hard one for me!).
11. I'm cutting back on red meat and opting for fish and chicken instead.

This is just a handful of the progress I've made and will continue to make. For now, I'll stay away from the scale and will continue to find ways to identify my progress and to help me feel better about what I am doing.

Ironically enough, my mom came to town today and said that she thought I was looking good, which means she thinks I've lost weight since the last time I saw her (at the beginning of April).

I went to yoga this morning, I got my new sneakers (and am looking forward to taking them for a run tomorrow) and just had a great, healthful meal for lunch. I'm on my way out the door now to check out the ocean.

Today is a good day.

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What Does the Number on the Scale Tell us?

Before today, I hadn't weighed myself since September. Of course I've been really curious about my weight, but I've talked with my nutritionist and my (food) therapist and weighing myself and being ruled and driven by a number on the scale wasn't the way for me to go. Today, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and I didn't like the number at all. I'm at the heaviest weight I've been in my life. I feel discouraged and upset; disappointed and frustrated. Despite the fact that I'm feeling a ton of different emotions right now about the number on the scale, I'm also trying to balance that information and deal with it in a positive way. Can I use the information I discovered on that scale and do something that won't harm me and the progress that I have made?

When I talked with my nutritionist months ago about weighing myself, we did this great exercise where I made a list of Ways I Know I'm Doing Well/Making Progress Losing Weight Without the Scale. Here's what I came up with in October of last year:
1. Eating without guilt. Not labeling foods as good or bad or my behavior as good or bad. Not viewing eating unhealthy as a set back.
2. Making choices vs. being guilted into a decision. Choosing what I do or don't eat because I feel and believe it's what I want vs. doing the right thing.
3. Not feeling deprived. Not making foods off limits because it's not good or healthy.
4. Feeling a difference in how clothes fit my body.
5. Exploring new and healthful foods that I like. Expanding my horizons at restaurants and in the grocery store.
6. Dealing with my emotions without using food. Discovering ways to address my emotions other than food.
7. Not allowing food to get in the way of life (situations/experiences).
8. Responding appropriately to hunger and fullness.

Even though I made this list (several months ago), my curiousity got the best of me and I simply stepped onto the scale. Right now, in this moment, I'm not sure if I'm glad I did or not. Mainly, I'm trying to control the negative feelings I have. I'm trying to stop the thoughts going through my head. Thoughts like, am I doing this the right way? Should I be going to see a nutritionist and a therapist, spending a significant amount of money if I'm not losing any weight, but in fact, only gaining it?

The thing is...the number on the scale will continue to go up if I'm not 100% committed to making the changes necessary to see a difference. And it doesn't matter if I pay a weekly fee for something like Weight Watchers or if I pay significantly more than that to see a therapist and a nutritionist. The bottom line is I need to be more honest with myself and re-think my approach to all of this. What do I want to get out of this? What am I trying to accomplish? Obviously I need to think about my weight loss approach.

Personally, I think stepping on the scale was a wake-up call that I needed. One to help me realize that I can't trick myself into thinking I'm doing this the right way. I can't keep going the way I have been going. I'm not entirely sure exactly what changes I'll implement, but I have to do something.

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Loving Yoga

Yoga was great today. You know how sometimes things just feel great? Today was one of those days. I felt strong and grateful to my body. Grateful that even though I don't always treat my body as well as I should it can still go through an hour long grueling yoga class. I'm just going with it.

I've done almost everything I said I was going to do yesterday. I iced my shins (last night and this morning) and I went to yoga. The last thing left on my list of things to do is to pick up a new pair of sneakers. I'm going to get them before I go for my run tomorrow. Today my shins are feeling okay and I'm eager to see how they do tomorrow.

What have you done to take care of you and your body today?

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Running Report

So I went for my run yesterday and it was okay. My shins, especially my right one, are definitely bothering me. I didn't stop running as I promised myself I would do if I felt any pain. And today my shins are definitely feeling sore as a result.

Tomorrow I will go and get a new pair of sneakers since the ones I have are about six months old. And tonight I will ice my shins as I go to bed.

I am feeling a little disheartened. I do want to be making progress. And I am struggling with the thought of running a marathon when running one minute, seven times, with two minute walking rests is causing pain.

Is this normal?

Tomorrow I'm going to yoga. And Friday I will plan on running again. Because I'm in it...for the long haul.

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Listening to your Body and not your Mind

I struggle with this one...a lot.

In training, I need to listen to what my body is telling me. Lately it's been telling me that even the little bit of running that I've been doing is causing my body to hurt. More specifically, it's causing me to have shin splints. In my mind, I get easily disappointed by this, knowing that if I don't want to cause my body further injury, I need to take it easy. In my mind, I think "What the f? I just started running. I AM taking it slowly. How am I ever going to be able to run a marathon if running seven minutes (and not all in a row either) is causing pain?"

I think about this and then the rational and healthy side of me says, "Molly, you need to have patience with yourself and your body. In order to train for this marathon, you have to listen to what your body is telling you. In the long run, the better you treat your body now, the stronger you and it will be when you begin to build miles. You haven't worked out consistently in a long time. And you're just now getting into it again on a more regular basis. You need to be fair to your body and give it the time and patience it needs to readjust to the increase in activity. Love your body and be thankful for all the things that it can do- yoga, biking, walking and yes, even the occassional running. Take. It. Easy."

I understand all of that, the nasty side of me and the healthy side of me and I know that the only way I am going to get through this is if I continue to have these conversations with myself. I need to talk it out, even if it is only to myself :)

As a result of said conversations, I have been icing on a regular basis and took a few days off from running. I have been biking and doing yoga. I have been taking it easy and giving my body a break from running. But, today, I am going to try running and see how I do. If I feel any pain in my shins, I will stop.

I'll let you know how I do!

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Don't Limit Yourself

Today I learned an important lesson. I walked into yoga class for the first time in about two weeks, all excited to see MI, my friend/yoga teacher, only to find out that she wasn't teaching today. Someone named Claire was filling in for her. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little panicked about the prospect of doing yoga with someone new. I like my class with MI. I feel comfortable with her and feel a special connecttion since we met at a support group when our father's passed away. And I haven't really branched out that much in terms of trying new classes. So I sat there contemplating what I was going to do.

Should I leave? Would I like it? Would it be different? In trying to quiet my brain, I found myself saying (yes, to myself), "Be open Molly. Try it. This could be good. Don't judge. Take deep breaths."

Not even a minute into the class, I knew this was going to be different. Claire started us off with a handful of deep breaths. Only when we exhaled, she wanted us to sigh and to release all the tension and stress by having audible sounds come out of our mouths. So we sounded weird. And I didn't like it. It was different for me and I wasn't really into it. I did realize that I didn't have to do it that way, that I could do it the way that I wanted, the way I always have.

For another 30 minutes or so, I sat there talking myself through not judging, being in the moment, focusing on the movement, thanking myself for being there, for taking the time during the middle of the day to take care of my body and then I had this shift.

I realized that Claire wasn't so bad. She wasn't who I was used to, but the important thing was that I was getting a great workout and I was feeling great about myself and great about what I was doing for me and my body. In regards to yoga, for me, it's about showing up and doing it. So does it always matter who I'm doing it with?

The conclusion I came to was that no, it doesn't matter. I've been limiting myself since the beginning of the year by only going to classes that are led by the one person I thought I felt comfortable with. There are tons of classes that I can attend throughout the week and the weekend for that matter. And if I start to open myself up to the possibility of learning with other people, I can accomplish a lot more!

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Is Quantity Better Than Quality?

Tonight I went for a run because I hadn't gone since Friday. I should have gone yesterday but opted to bike instead because I felt the faintest hint of shin pain. While I was running, feeling a little full from dinner (which I had eaten about an hour and a half before I went for a run), I wondered if quantity is better than quality?

I think in many cases in life it is not true that quantity is better than quality. In most work situations I face, I think it's the quality of the work you do that matters, not the quantity. But in the case of my training for a marathon, I really don't know the answer to that. While I get my body into a little bit of shape, and have a mental struggle going on about logging in miles and days of running, I personally measure my success by the number of days I'm getting out there- the quantity of my runs each week. I'm aiming for every other day and when I don't meet that goal, I get bent out of shape.

At the same time, I'm really trying hard to take care of my body and take it slowly. So I struggle with not putting in the time to run when I think I should. Now, after running, I feel good, but don't know if the run was the best thing. Would it have been the worst thing in the world for me to wait until the morning?

Probably not.

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All About Me

Yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long time. I woke up, got dressed and went out the door to workout! Before signing onto IM, before attending to the piles of work email that surely came in overnight, before taking Clancy out, quite simply, before I came up with too many excuses to not do it. It was, as I already knew, a great way to start out the morning.

I did my usual routine of 10 minutes walking, and then 1 minute running/2 minutes walking for 15 minutes and then ended with the 5 minutes of walking. It felt great.

It's been so valuable to take this time for myself. To do this one thing for me.

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The Tom & Bob Marathon

I finally caught up with HG, who I'm going to run the marathon with in Dublin, and he told me how he's really aiming to make the Dublin marathon one of his best. He plans on training hard and running it hard. He also said that he was calling it "The Tom & Bob Marathon." To which I replied, "Who?" H's reply, "Um my dad and your dad?"

Oh riiiight.

Here's the story of how this whole I'm running the Dublin Marathon when I turn 30 idea really happened. Last October H was supposed to go and run it. Unfortunately, his father who had been battling cancer for a while, took a turn for the worse, and H couldn't end up going afterall. One night in NYC after entirely too much drinking, I told him that I was going to Ireland anyway for our 30th and that he should come and run the marathon and that I'd do it with him.

HG got me into running. He introduced me to it, encouraged me to do it, often times trained me through it (even though I was on a team and had a coach), and has always been a big supporter of me and running. So it seems fitting that we'd do this together.

When I talked with H about it on Friday pm, I told him that I really wanted to do the marathon and was planning for it. That I was tired of being overweight and I wanted to concentrate on this new goal to make it happen.

And I know I'll be thinking of our fathers too as I prepare and train for and complete this marathon.

Today I did my second training run. It was warmer out and I ran an extra minute. I felt like I could go longer, but I'm actively working on not pushing myself more than I should so I can avoid injury. So far so good!

I've been taking good care of myself the past few days. Spending more time outdoors, more time with myself, more time eating meals at home, and it all feels really good.

My natural tendency is to go all out and then once one little thing doesn't go my way, I start not showing up and cutting corners, until I just drop everything all together. I know it's only been a few days since I've set my eyes on this new goal...but it feels good and I'm going with it.

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First Official Training Run for the Marathon? Check!

Lots to talk about today.

For starters and the thing that makes me the happiest is that I did what I am dubbing my first official training run for the Dublin Marathon in 2008 this evening. This is what I did
Walked- first 10 minutes.
Ran- 1 minute
Walked- 2 mintues
For five sets.
Walked- last 5 minutes.
When I first wanted to start running again a few months back, I looked into some beginning training programs online and ended up going with Hal Higdon's 30/30 (or 30/60) plan. I liked that the best because it gave me the opportunity to ease into it.

As with most things in my life, I was all psyched up to get started and didn't follow the program suggestions; I decided to run for longer periods of time right from the beginning putting in five to 10 minutes of running right away. And then I got shin splints and then I stopped running all together.

This time around, I'm trying to avoid all of that. I'm going to be smart about it and use the first 30-60 days as an opportunity to get my body used to running, even if it's only for a minute here or there, so I can avoid injury and then build up the distance and time.

It felt great and it made me happy. And when I came home, I made myself a really nice dinner and have all in all been having a really pleasant night.

The next thing I wanted to talk about was my therapy session last night. I often times feel nervous going into therapy. Last night was no different. As I've already mentioned, I haven't seen my therapist in three months and I was disappointed in myself that in those three months there haven't been these significant changes. I wanted to walk in there all confident and happy, all changed and satisfied and instead I walked in there all depressed and disappointed, dejected and feeling very unhappy with my body and my feelings towards that body.

But I left feeling determined to get this marathon goal moving. I left with this vision in my head about crossing a finish line in Dublin, Ireland in October of 2008. Feeling proud of myself for having accomplished that goal. Loving the person I would be for having done what I set out to do.

I need to take this one run at a time, one meal at a time and continue to be patient and loving with myself.

We talked about lots more in therapy, but getting started on this goal was the biggest thing for me.

And now that I have gotten it started, I do feel great.

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Yesterday I flew from Austin to Los Angeles and had one of the most humiliating things happen to me- I couldn't get the seatbelt to buckle. I just flew two days earlier and didn't have that problem! And I did yoga in my hotel room while I was there. I ordered fish instead of some crappy meal on the menu for dinner Tuesday pm. What could have possibly happened in two days that the f'n seatbelt wouldn't fit? (This is the thanks I get for changing my comfortable aisle seat for a family traveling with two children who were placed all in the middle seats?)

I sat, panicked, as the flight attendants walked up and down the aisle before takeoff asking if our seatbelts were buckled. I prayed that they didn't find out I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. Praying that they didn't see that half of it was draped around my waist and tucked inbetween my legs. Praying that they didn't bring me an extension for my seatbelt. I would have died. Surely. I put my bag over my lap and part of a newspaper too so they wouldn't get suspicious. How sad that this is what it's come to though. I wasn't found out and when I had more time to play with it, the seatbelt did actually fit, although barely.

At this point I sit and wonder, what will it take for me to finally do something about my weight? Cause as soon as I got off the plane, I went to Norm's with Steve and ordered a short stack of pancakes and a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich with french fries. Luckily Steve & I got into a fight just before dinner so I didn't really have an appetite (oh yeah, plus I ate a beef brisket sandwich at the airport in Austin before taking off, so I didn't really need a second dinner) and didn't eat much. But you would have thought that after an airplane seatbelt almost not fitting around my waist would have done the trick.

I think about this often...what has to happen for me to finally make the changes necessary for me to lose weight? My father passed away from esophageal cancer, largely due to the way he chose to live his life. You'd think that would make me get serious about this. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and the way I'm eating and treating my body sure doesn't do much for ensuring I don't get the disease either.

The answer is I don't know what it takes, which is why I'm in this situation.

Today I go and see my therapist. I haven't seen her for three months and this is our first session since she's returned. It should be interesting. I cried (for the first time) during my nutritionist appointment a week and a half ago because I felt so tired of sort of trying and not getting anywhere and so sad to realize yet again that I'm not taking care of myself and neither is anyone else. The session will be good for me.

Today I plan on going for my first marathon "training run" and will take it very slowly so I don't get shin splints. I'm feeling down in general- not getting along with Steve, not treating myself well, I'm tired, cranky and sick of traveling. But I need something positive to focus on and know that as soon as I start taking care of myself my mood will improve.

Wish me luck!

PS- Thanks to CB for switching seats with me. You're a great friend. You probably have no idea what I was going through for almost that entire flight, but switching seats with me was the greatest relief you could have provided me during that hell in the middle seat.

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Dublin Here I Come!

I started running when I moved to New Hampshire at the suggestion of a good family friend. I loved running and can remember some of my happier times specifically due to this passion of mine.

I've never been good at thinking of big dreams and big goals. I'm also not good about thinking of the future and forecasting what I want to do 5, 10 or even 20 years from now. I just don't know what life will bring me, so I tend to shy away from thinking too far into the future.

Except in one instance.

A goal I've always had in the back of my mind has been to run a marathon by the time I turn 30.

Simple, right? I mean, I used to be a runner. This shouldn't be a problem for me. Except it is. It's a big one.

I'm out of shape- to put it mildly.
I'm overweight- to put it mildly.
Every time I start up running, I get shin splints.
I have the best of intentions when it comes to running and eating healthfully, and treating my body well and being loving to myself...but when it comes to execution, I fall flat.

And then I start this vicious cycle of beating myself up, eating poorly, feeling bad about myself because I ate poorly and then just doing nothing but getting into this negative argument inside my head about how I can't seem to do this. "I can do anything I put my mind to, but not this."

I turn 30 next October 23rd. My twin and I have already decided we're going to Ireland. And since I've always wanted to run a marathon, I decided to say out loud on more than one occasion that I'm going to run the Dublin Marathon. But I'm scared. And out of shape. And mean to myself. I work too much. I don't make myself a priority. i don't take care of myself and no one else certainly does.

The thing is, I really want to run this marathon. When I am in those rare moods lately of getting my ass out the door and working out, I feel great. And I love it. And sometimes I allow myself the time to dream about what that moment will be like when I cross the finish line in Dublin in October of 2008. It feels great; I feel great. And I really want that moment to become a reality.

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