Friday, May 25, 2007

What Does the Number on the Scale Tell us?

Before today, I hadn't weighed myself since September. Of course I've been really curious about my weight, but I've talked with my nutritionist and my (food) therapist and weighing myself and being ruled and driven by a number on the scale wasn't the way for me to go. Today, I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and I didn't like the number at all. I'm at the heaviest weight I've been in my life. I feel discouraged and upset; disappointed and frustrated. Despite the fact that I'm feeling a ton of different emotions right now about the number on the scale, I'm also trying to balance that information and deal with it in a positive way. Can I use the information I discovered on that scale and do something that won't harm me and the progress that I have made?

When I talked with my nutritionist months ago about weighing myself, we did this great exercise where I made a list of Ways I Know I'm Doing Well/Making Progress Losing Weight Without the Scale. Here's what I came up with in October of last year:
1. Eating without guilt. Not labeling foods as good or bad or my behavior as good or bad. Not viewing eating unhealthy as a set back.
2. Making choices vs. being guilted into a decision. Choosing what I do or don't eat because I feel and believe it's what I want vs. doing the right thing.
3. Not feeling deprived. Not making foods off limits because it's not good or healthy.
4. Feeling a difference in how clothes fit my body.
5. Exploring new and healthful foods that I like. Expanding my horizons at restaurants and in the grocery store.
6. Dealing with my emotions without using food. Discovering ways to address my emotions other than food.
7. Not allowing food to get in the way of life (situations/experiences).
8. Responding appropriately to hunger and fullness.

Even though I made this list (several months ago), my curiousity got the best of me and I simply stepped onto the scale. Right now, in this moment, I'm not sure if I'm glad I did or not. Mainly, I'm trying to control the negative feelings I have. I'm trying to stop the thoughts going through my head. Thoughts like, am I doing this the right way? Should I be going to see a nutritionist and a therapist, spending a significant amount of money if I'm not losing any weight, but in fact, only gaining it?

The thing is...the number on the scale will continue to go up if I'm not 100% committed to making the changes necessary to see a difference. And it doesn't matter if I pay a weekly fee for something like Weight Watchers or if I pay significantly more than that to see a therapist and a nutritionist. The bottom line is I need to be more honest with myself and re-think my approach to all of this. What do I want to get out of this? What am I trying to accomplish? Obviously I need to think about my weight loss approach.

Personally, I think stepping on the scale was a wake-up call that I needed. One to help me realize that I can't trick myself into thinking I'm doing this the right way. I can't keep going the way I have been going. I'm not entirely sure exactly what changes I'll implement, but I have to do something.


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