What was that all about?

It's been too long since my last post. In the past few days I've slipped up. I thought about lying to myself- pretending that it never happened- but I figured that wouldn't really get me anywhere, now would it? Plus, I'm really trying to do this right this time and pretending that I didn't use and abuse food and my body from Thursday up until late last night would be dumb.

So here's what happened. I was cranky, sleep deprived, hungry, exhausted, emotionally drained, stressed and anxious. Work was (is) driving me nuts. I wasn't getting enough sleep. I wasn't working out. I wasn't taking care of my self in any sense of the word. And I let myself eat poorly for no good reason other than "because." Which when I'm in a good place (not tired, cranky, stressed, etc.) is not a good enough reason to eat something. But I did just that for almost every meal from Thursday until Sunday. I had Panda Express, pizza, a big fat burger from The Counter, a donut and a half from Krispy Kreme...I just let myself go.

I knew there was going to be an end in sight. I went shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday and then woke up this morning resolved to eat well, treat my body better and exercise. And I'm happy and very relieved to say that I did all of those things. I had three great meals and ate based on what my body needed (and at this point craved)- vegetables, protein, vegetables...yum. I also had my first "Molly Night" in a very very long time. I didn't hang out with anyone, I didn't call anyone, I just stayed in, had dinner by myself, sat on the couch and watched TV and then got up and went for a run. It all felt good.

I was out of control last week and the interesting thing is when all was said and done, I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. In fact, I had a burger last night and it was just okay. I mean the burger itself was great, but I just wasn't that into it. It helped me see that most of the time when I eat for emotional reasons, it really has very little to do with the food.

More about this later. It's past my bedtime and I'm crashing.

In happier news...congratulations to one of my best friends in this entire world who got engaged last Wednesday. I could not be happier for you and your fiance!! You are going to be a wonderful wife and mother. You deserve all the happiness that comes your way.

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On A Roll

I woke up this morning and my shins didn't hurt so badly I couldn't walk. This is a great sign!

My quads aren't still feeling like I'm discovering a new muscle everytime I step down.

Also a great sign.

This means tomorrow I get to go for another run!

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Holy Mary Mother of God

That's what I was thinking this morning when I was running. My feet didn't hurt! My shins didn't hurt. I didn't get the usual burning experience in my feet when I have a new pair of sneakers to break in. And while I was paying very close attention to the feeling in my shins, I swear I didn't feel any discomfort or the sign of it either.

I thought about not blogging about my miraculous run and how in love I am with my sneakers (Go Brooks!) for fear of jinxing myself, but then I thought "f it" I've already been through the ringer with trying to get these stupid shin splints under control. The fact that I had a great run this morning with no pain is amazing and makes me want to tell anyone who will listen. So that was a great start to my Saturday.

I've had to take it a little easier than I wanted to with workouts this week. On Tuesday my friend Molly and I went for a walk which included two sets of the Santa Monica stairs. See:

There are 154 steps from the floor of the Santa Monica canyon to the top of Adelaide- one of my favorite streets in all of Los Angeles. I only did two sets, but it took me longer than normal to recover. The stairs are such a crazy workout. It's about 3/4 of a mile to get to the stairs and then it's every man for himself. It's rare for there to be fewer than 10 people working out there. You've got all kinds of people there. Once I saw Scott Foley (you know, Noel Crane from Felicity) doing the stairs. That was great. It's typically very busy and it's just so f'n hard. The more I've ever done is four sets. But there are people who go up and down, up and down 10-15 times. Anyway, these lovely stairs ruined my quads this week and made it nearly impossible to move for the rest of the week. I'm still feeling the effects from them, but I secretly love it.

Regardless, it didn't stop me from getting out for a run this morning. I'm so happy that it went well, and I'm really hoping that these shows are it for me!

Anyway, there's my good news for the day.

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Get Ready...This one's looooooooooooooong

What a week...

I saw my my nutritionist yesterday and we had a great session. I've been working through a lot the past couple of weeks. I talked a little bit about how I was feeling emotionally drained and I knew after digger deep with some of it, that I was beginning to confront and deal with all these questions that I've asked myself in the past and never dealt with. When things got tough emotionally or I was bored, I just opened up the fridge (or walked to Panda Express, or drove to McDonald's) and put something in my mouth. Then instead of having to deal with the emotions that may have triggered me to eat in the first place, I started talking shit about myself for eating like crap and feeling even worse about myself. Talking more shit. Feeling even worse. It just has always created this terrible cycle of self-hatred and all that bad stuff.

One of the biggest things I wanted to do was to talk to Steve. Really talk to him about how much my weight affects me. How many things I don't do because of how I look and how I feel about how I look. I sat him down and tearfully explained how I genuinely feel lucky that he loves me just the way I look. One way that I know I've grown in this whole process is that admitting that out loud actually hurts me now. Before I truly believed it (and to be honest, part of me still truly does) and saying it was just not that big of a deal. But saying it to Steve last week was very hurtful to me. I don't like that I feel that way and intellectually I know that I am a great person and have so much to offer Steve and to contribute to our relationship. I know that I'm a great catch- weight problems and all. So I'm really trying to work on having a better attitude about that.

I also talked with him about how I would LOVE to go surfing with him. I'd love to be that wife that sits on the beach reading, listening to music, laying out (yeah right, have you seen how white I am?), relaxing and enjoying the view of him being so happy in the water. Heck, I'd love to actually try surfing- I love to swim. I love being in the water. But, I just can't do it right now. I won't get into a bathing suit for fear of how I'd judge myself and how others would judge me as well. And I don't want to be that person who goes to the beach fully clothed in a t-shirt and pants. How much fun does that sound like? Not much if you ask me.

Anyway, there are other things I avoid too...being around people I don't know that well, again for fear of how I'll be judged or all the self-hatred it'll invoke in me being in an uncomfortable social situation. I hate going to places where I know I'm going to be all hot and sweaty. I don't like to go for walks with him if I'm wearing "normal clothes." I have to be in my workout clothes and be ready and prepared to sweat if I'm going to go for a walk, even if it's just "down to the cliffs."

Steve and I have talked about my weight a little bit before, but not to this extent. And while I know I have his support, I also know that he could never really, truly and fully understand my struggle with weight since he has never hard to struggle the way I have. It's kinda like when people say they know what you're going through when you're dealing with the loss of a parent. This isn't to say that the support I've gotten on either front (dealing with the loss of my dad or my struggling weight issues) from Steve or anyone else who hasn't had to struggle with these things hasn't been great...because it has...it just means it can't be understood entirely unless you've been there yourself. You don't know the constant and daily way that these thoughts about yourself and your weight and image can take over every thought in your head at least 187 times a day. So what I'm trying to say, is that these latest conversations we had have helped immensely and have made me feel really great about what I needed to tell him, and what I needed him to know and most importantly, what I needed his help with.

Since our talk, things have been going really well. We've been making time for the two of us (something I'm not always great at). Having lunch together at home. Making dinner more in the apartment. And just having fun. It's amazing what some honest communication can do for you.

In addition to that, I continue to see little changes. I'm talking with more people about what I'm doing. I can't say enough about the amazing friends I have and how much support they offer me. It's been wonderful to have them to lean on, talk to, share this and my thoughts with, asking for things to be done differently, working out together, not making food only plans, etc. I'm making these changes a more prominent part of my life and being honest with more people about it. I went to the Speak Easy Cocktail (my favorite bar in Santa Monica) on Tuesday night with my girlfriends and we typically order pizza at the bar. They still did. And I went to Whole Foods and got soup, salad and shared a chicken with my other friend Molly while everyone else at pizza. Of course the pizza looked f'n amazing and of course I wanted a piece. But by the time I was done eating what I came with, I wasn't hungry and the pizza wasn't gone. And it was okay. On Wednesday my girlfriends and I went for a long walk before making a kickass dinner of chicken skewers, salad and a brown rice/cous cous mix. Today at City Bakery (where I saw Cheryl Hines and Reese Witherspoons son- no they weren't together) I actually went back up for a second helping because I didn't like the Caesar salad (or think it was nutritious enough to count as vegetables) and felt like I needed something healthier in my body.

I know these things may not seem like that big of a deal or that ground breaking...but adding it all up, it really is. I'm feeling really good about the process and am looking forward to keeping up with everything.

Other notable things I thought about this week:
1. Doing this without the assistance of a program like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. is very liberating and exciting. Trusting my body enough to make healthful decisions for me and my body is something I never thought I'd be able to do. But I find myself motivated more and more knowing that I can (and will) do this the right way for me.
2. I realized today that when I have slip ups, they're no where near as big as they used to be. Not only that, but because I'm not waiting for a weekly weigh-in, they don't make me continue the slip-up until the next "meeting." It's just a singular event and I move on from it.
3. My nutritionist asked me if I was okay with the pace this was all moving in. The emotional stuff this has brought up, while exhausting, has been really valuable for me. I'm enjoying it.
4. I really feel like I've been doing this "the right way" since the end of May. If I was going to be honest with myself, I'd say that while I've been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist since September/October, I haven't been giving this my all that entire time. For some of that time I was still trying to figure out a way to "work my system" by not eating healthfully but still thinking I was trying to stick to some sort of a plan. I wasn't writing down my food for lame reasons, which really translated into because I didn't want to commit to this fully. I wasn't talking with Steve about things or my friends. So, while I get frustrated at times that there hasn't been this drastic difference in my appearance, I also know that if I'm basing that on where I was in September, then I would and should be disappointed. But if I base it on where I was at the end of May, I'm doing a great job.
5. I got another new pair of sneakers last night. I spoke with Hal and he said that I should just try and run through the shin splits. Not to build too much, but just to try continuing anyway. Which I'm more than happy to do. But in order to feel comfortable doing that, I wanted to go back and see if I did in fact have the right sneakers. I've been suspecting that I didn't get fitted for the right pair and I was right. So I have another new pair of sneakers to break in, and I'm excited and hopeful that this will help ease some of my shin problems.




So I'll report back on how the sneakers work, but am hoping for the best!

So there's a lot of what's been going on here. Again, for those of you reading- thank you! Your support means a lot.

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Goals: Update

Earlier this week I set a handful of goals that I wanted to accomplish. Here's an update (and more):

1. I will start running again. Check. I ran not only once, but twice. I ran on Thursday and then again on Friday. Both days the runs went well, but my shins are (yet again) feeling bad. Today I am going to get yet another pair of sneakers and see if that'll do the trick.
2. I will make dinner at home at least four times this week. I only made dinner at home three times this week. Too many other social plans. Which helps me see that I need to cut back on planning things that revolve around food and plans which get me out of the house at dinnertime.
3. I will go to yoga twice. Check. Managed to make it to YAS for class on Tuesday and yesterday, Saturday.
4. I will have one "Molly Only" night. Nope, I didn't make this happen. Steve's been sick so he hasn't been going to class, and my twin got a gig in England for a year...so I've been trying to make the most of my time with her. Not really good excuses if you ask me. So another thing I need to make an effort to make happen in the upcoming week.
5. I will write in my journal about what I'm feeling and thinking and I will talk with Steve. Check. Although my conversation with Steve was dragged out over four different occasions, we both were able to get some things off our chest and get back on a good path. Which feels really good. I should still write more in my journal about it.

Then during my therapy session on Wednesday, I had a few more things to work on:
1. Behavioral Experiment- buy a pair of shorts and wear them. I know to some of you reading, this may not seem like a big deal. But for those of you who know me...can you remember a single time you saw me wear a pair of shorts? For most of you, probably not, for some of you, maybe not since 1999. Anyway, I did pick up a couple pair of shorts and wore them a little bit around the apartment on Friday and might just wear them out today kayaking.
2. Put some cliff bars (or other type of food that can help curb my hunger and prevent me from eating a less than ideal meal just because I'm starving) in my car and some of the common bags I carry around. "Just in case." I put two cliff bars in two different bags and in the glove compartment of my car. This way, if I'm starving and find that I'm about to make a decision because I'm starving and need to eat something right away, I can eat a cliff bar and ward off that nasty habit of mine.

And that's where things stand right now.

I'm leaving shortly to go kayaking for this morning. And then I'll reward all my hard work and activity by spending most of the afternoon doing nothing while sitting in a beach chair overlooking the ocean!

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Running Schedule?

So the stupid shin splints (moving forward I'll be referring to these as SSS) are back again. Yes, I could say that running two days in a row may not have been the smartest thing in the world given my tendency to get SSS, but I did it anyway. I'm starting to think the sneakers I do have aren't the right ones for me. So my plan is to go back and see about another pair of sneakers.

At any rate, I was reading last month's issue of Runner's World and came across the following 5k in 5 Weeks running schedule that I am going to try and follow as much as I can.

Let's see how it goes!

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Hoo-F'n-Ray

While I'm still struggling a bit emotionally, the past two days have been going well. I had a great therapy session yesterday that left me feeling a little more settled with all of the feelings and questions I've been turning over.

It's starting to sink in how now that I am getting the "food thing" under control, it's bringing up a lot emotionally. I've read about how people with weight issues typically go through this period where they are maybe more depressed or emotional when they stop using and abusing food. When you can't, don't, or won't turn to food that means you actually have to sit with the feelings that you've been ignoring (and turning into tasty little treats instead) for a long time.

I've been wondering why things have been so heavy for me lately...and I get it now. The food stuff hasn't been as big of an issue for me. It doesn't mean that this is easy for me now. Or that I don't struggle. In fact, I was talking with a friend today about all of this. And she was saying how she takes for granted how hard it is for me right now, because of the idea that this is a short term struggle for me. I was thinking today just how much of a struggle all this is. Every single decision about food is not something that I take or make lightly. I struggle and think every time I think about what I'm going to eat.

Today, for lunch I was thinking about having Panda Express (because it's next door), then Chipotle for a burrito bol (maybe Steve could pick that up for me?), Santa Monica Pizza Kitchen (because I was starving and going to be on the phone for a while. This would be easiest, and of course yummy, and it could be delivered). But ultimately, after all the back and forth (and going as far as getting a pizza order from my friend/co-worker), the rational side of me chimed in...reminding me that tonight I'm making a pasta dish (whole wheat, but still) and I know I'm going to have some of my homemade garlic bread. And pizza was just going to be too much. So I got my ass out the door and went to Whole Foods and got some yellowtail sushi (something new for me) and a salad.

Anyway, as draining as this is...as much work as it is...I'm really okay with all of it. I'm working so hard on myself right now. And I'm impatient with how slow the weight falls off, but I'm confident and content with the approach that I am taking.

Oh yeah, and the title of my post refers to the fact that I went running today for the first time in three weeks. No shin pain, and I'm just going with it.

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Exhausted

I feel like emotionally and mentally I've been in a funk for the past few days. I had a pretty intense meeting with my nutritionist the other day and I'm still kinda reeling from that. On top of that, I've been lazy about working out and still haven't picked back up with the running. So it's been about two and a half weeks now since my last run.

Anyway, back to the meeting with my nutritionist. We talked about how weight loss (and gain for that matter) really affects how people live their lives. And we talked about how dramatic weight gain or loss really affects who a person is, who they become, how they choose to live their lives, how they relate to and with other people, etc. It made me think a lot about the decisions I've made based on this distorted view I have of myself. It made me think a lot about the things I haven't done because of the way I feel about my appearance and weight.

It's been this big conflict of emotions lately because on the one hand, I'm still feeling very good about the choices I'm making and the changes I'm setting in motion. My twin and my friend Audrey both told me that they think I look good and that it looks as though I've lost weight. My twin actually said tonight at dinner that she was proud of me and could tell that I've been trying hard to make good choices. So those kinds of comments continue to make me feel good about what I'm doing. And even if no one made comments like that, I'd still feel good. Because I am making smart, healthful decisions that make me happy.

On Friday night, Steve and I drove all over Los Angeles looking for a new table to put in our kitchen. By the time we found it, thank you Carson IKEA, and were ready for dinner, it was close to 9pm, I had been on my feet for entirely too long and I was starving. I saw Tony Roma's and wanted to go there. I didn't think about what looked good on the menu, or what would make me feel good about myself or what my body needed (vs. what I wanted). I sat down knowing that I was going to eat some of their amazing bread with butter and ranch dressing. And then eat some of the onion loaf and then get the salad with the bacon, cheese and chicken strips. The only reason I didn't get their brownie skillet sundae is because that apparently doesn't exist anymore. But I was really hoping to get that as well. Here's the thing. It was a total emotional eating night for me. I didn't eat so much I thought I was going to get sick- which used to be a way of life for me- but I did eat without thinking and told myself it was okay because I had a long day and I was in a bad mood and I deserved it. I haven't done that in a while and when I was driving away, feeling ill (literally), I remembered why I don't like to eat that way. It doesn't make me feel good, or healthy, and it leaves me feeling very unsatisfied.

I'm rambling.

So as I was writing, on the one hand, I'm feeling really good about my decisions and of course happy that people are noticing (I'm only human). But then on the other hand, thinking about some of the harder questions is really making my head hurt. It's putting me in a bad mood and a little bit of a funk. I know I'm not being specific, but that's okay.

I'm trying to work through it, but I also know I need to talk things through on here, in my journal, with Steve and also with my therapist. Then I'm hoping I'll feel better about things. This is all a long and painful process and I'm okay with it. Right now, it's just a harder time than normal.

For this upcoming week, I'm going to set some goals:
1. I will start running again.
2. I will make dinner at home at least four times this week.
3. I will go to yoga twice.
4. I will have one "Molly Only" night.
5. I will write in my journal about what I'm feeling and thinking and I will talk with Steve.

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In a Good Place

Last Wednesday I went to see my therapist and I felt great. We had a great session; I walked in feeling great and left feeling even better.

Lately I've felt very in control of what I'm putting in my mouth and for the most part, what exercise I've been getting. Admittedly, the last week has been challenging in the way of getting my body moving, but overall I really and truly feel like I'm in a good place. And it feels...well, it feels good.

Decisions to take care of myself haven't been difficult. I can go to a restaurant and only eat half of my order. I can make wise food choices at home, even when the Panda Express orange chicken smell is making its way over to my apartment, seemingly calling my name. I can say no and not make myself feel deprived. I can say yes and not make myself feel guilty.

The good news is, I've been feeling this way for over a month now. Of course, it's not perfect. In fact, I had McDonald's for lunch on Saturday, but it wasn't the end of the world. Nor does it have to be. I'm feeling more sure of myself than I have in a very long time and I'm really enjoying this place that I'm in. I love not having to follow any program, but just to listen to my body and make decisions that won't hurt me in the many many ways I use food to do that.

There's still the side of me that wants the pounds to fall off quicker than they got on, and is impatient...but I try not to let that part of me take over all the good work I am doing. Because I am doing very good!

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