Friday, July 20, 2007

Get Ready...This one's looooooooooooooong

What a week...

I saw my my nutritionist yesterday and we had a great session. I've been working through a lot the past couple of weeks. I talked a little bit about how I was feeling emotionally drained and I knew after digger deep with some of it, that I was beginning to confront and deal with all these questions that I've asked myself in the past and never dealt with. When things got tough emotionally or I was bored, I just opened up the fridge (or walked to Panda Express, or drove to McDonald's) and put something in my mouth. Then instead of having to deal with the emotions that may have triggered me to eat in the first place, I started talking shit about myself for eating like crap and feeling even worse about myself. Talking more shit. Feeling even worse. It just has always created this terrible cycle of self-hatred and all that bad stuff.

One of the biggest things I wanted to do was to talk to Steve. Really talk to him about how much my weight affects me. How many things I don't do because of how I look and how I feel about how I look. I sat him down and tearfully explained how I genuinely feel lucky that he loves me just the way I look. One way that I know I've grown in this whole process is that admitting that out loud actually hurts me now. Before I truly believed it (and to be honest, part of me still truly does) and saying it was just not that big of a deal. But saying it to Steve last week was very hurtful to me. I don't like that I feel that way and intellectually I know that I am a great person and have so much to offer Steve and to contribute to our relationship. I know that I'm a great catch- weight problems and all. So I'm really trying to work on having a better attitude about that.

I also talked with him about how I would LOVE to go surfing with him. I'd love to be that wife that sits on the beach reading, listening to music, laying out (yeah right, have you seen how white I am?), relaxing and enjoying the view of him being so happy in the water. Heck, I'd love to actually try surfing- I love to swim. I love being in the water. But, I just can't do it right now. I won't get into a bathing suit for fear of how I'd judge myself and how others would judge me as well. And I don't want to be that person who goes to the beach fully clothed in a t-shirt and pants. How much fun does that sound like? Not much if you ask me.

Anyway, there are other things I avoid too...being around people I don't know that well, again for fear of how I'll be judged or all the self-hatred it'll invoke in me being in an uncomfortable social situation. I hate going to places where I know I'm going to be all hot and sweaty. I don't like to go for walks with him if I'm wearing "normal clothes." I have to be in my workout clothes and be ready and prepared to sweat if I'm going to go for a walk, even if it's just "down to the cliffs."

Steve and I have talked about my weight a little bit before, but not to this extent. And while I know I have his support, I also know that he could never really, truly and fully understand my struggle with weight since he has never hard to struggle the way I have. It's kinda like when people say they know what you're going through when you're dealing with the loss of a parent. This isn't to say that the support I've gotten on either front (dealing with the loss of my dad or my struggling weight issues) from Steve or anyone else who hasn't had to struggle with these things hasn't been great...because it just means it can't be understood entirely unless you've been there yourself. You don't know the constant and daily way that these thoughts about yourself and your weight and image can take over every thought in your head at least 187 times a day. So what I'm trying to say, is that these latest conversations we had have helped immensely and have made me feel really great about what I needed to tell him, and what I needed him to know and most importantly, what I needed his help with.

Since our talk, things have been going really well. We've been making time for the two of us (something I'm not always great at). Having lunch together at home. Making dinner more in the apartment. And just having fun. It's amazing what some honest communication can do for you.

In addition to that, I continue to see little changes. I'm talking with more people about what I'm doing. I can't say enough about the amazing friends I have and how much support they offer me. It's been wonderful to have them to lean on, talk to, share this and my thoughts with, asking for things to be done differently, working out together, not making food only plans, etc. I'm making these changes a more prominent part of my life and being honest with more people about it. I went to the Speak Easy Cocktail (my favorite bar in Santa Monica) on Tuesday night with my girlfriends and we typically order pizza at the bar. They still did. And I went to Whole Foods and got soup, salad and shared a chicken with my other friend Molly while everyone else at pizza. Of course the pizza looked f'n amazing and of course I wanted a piece. But by the time I was done eating what I came with, I wasn't hungry and the pizza wasn't gone. And it was okay. On Wednesday my girlfriends and I went for a long walk before making a kickass dinner of chicken skewers, salad and a brown rice/cous cous mix. Today at City Bakery (where I saw Cheryl Hines and Reese Witherspoons son- no they weren't together) I actually went back up for a second helping because I didn't like the Caesar salad (or think it was nutritious enough to count as vegetables) and felt like I needed something healthier in my body.

I know these things may not seem like that big of a deal or that ground breaking...but adding it all up, it really is. I'm feeling really good about the process and am looking forward to keeping up with everything.

Other notable things I thought about this week:
1. Doing this without the assistance of a program like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc. is very liberating and exciting. Trusting my body enough to make healthful decisions for me and my body is something I never thought I'd be able to do. But I find myself motivated more and more knowing that I can (and will) do this the right way for me.
2. I realized today that when I have slip ups, they're no where near as big as they used to be. Not only that, but because I'm not waiting for a weekly weigh-in, they don't make me continue the slip-up until the next "meeting." It's just a singular event and I move on from it.
3. My nutritionist asked me if I was okay with the pace this was all moving in. The emotional stuff this has brought up, while exhausting, has been really valuable for me. I'm enjoying it.
4. I really feel like I've been doing this "the right way" since the end of May. If I was going to be honest with myself, I'd say that while I've been seeing a therapist and a nutritionist since September/October, I haven't been giving this my all that entire time. For some of that time I was still trying to figure out a way to "work my system" by not eating healthfully but still thinking I was trying to stick to some sort of a plan. I wasn't writing down my food for lame reasons, which really translated into because I didn't want to commit to this fully. I wasn't talking with Steve about things or my friends. So, while I get frustrated at times that there hasn't been this drastic difference in my appearance, I also know that if I'm basing that on where I was in September, then I would and should be disappointed. But if I base it on where I was at the end of May, I'm doing a great job.
5. I got another new pair of sneakers last night. I spoke with Hal and he said that I should just try and run through the shin splits. Not to build too much, but just to try continuing anyway. Which I'm more than happy to do. But in order to feel comfortable doing that, I wanted to go back and see if I did in fact have the right sneakers. I've been suspecting that I didn't get fitted for the right pair and I was right. So I have another new pair of sneakers to break in, and I'm excited and hopeful that this will help ease some of my shin problems.

So I'll report back on how the sneakers work, but am hoping for the best!

So there's a lot of what's been going on here. Again, for those of you reading- thank you! Your support means a lot.


Anonymous,  July 24, 2007 at 8:32 AM  

I think you're doing more than a good job!

Carrie,  July 25, 2012 at 7:37 PM  

Great (hard) work, Mols! I'm here for support!

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