Sunday, July 23, 2017

Two weeks ago today, I knew.

I woke up to find my sweet boy had dragged himself across the carpet, because he could no longer get himself up on his own, possibly attempting to get into the kitchen for the cool floor. Or maybe he was thirsty. Or maybe he just wanted to move from the spot he had been sleeping in over night. Who knows. What I do know is it was evident because his red hiking boots left tracks in the carpet and it broke my heart when I came out into the living room 14 days ago.

When I crouched down on the floor in front of him and put my face right in front of his and said "Oh buddy. What's going on?" he had blood under his chin- a faint stain already accumulating on the carpet. Maybe from his chin also being dragged across the carpet? Maybe from something else. I just know that there was a blood spot from where he had been resting his chin. And that I was sad. And that he was sad.

He was different.
He was tired.
He looked over it.

I wanted to blame it on the heat. The stupid f'n heat wave that made him more lethargic than normal. The one that made me not force him to sleep in the bedroom with me the night before. The one that caused Cyrena to get up about 15 minutes before me to place the fan directly in front of him.

But it wasn't the heat.

I can't believe it's been two weeks. Because in some ways it feels like forever ago. In three minutes it'll be two weeks and one day since I made the hardest easiest (or was it the easiest hardest) decision of my life. The decision that it was time to let Clancy go. Not being able to get up on his own was a game changer.

It's 11:57 p.m. and I almost made it through the entire day without crying. But then I got home to an empty, dark home and felt Clancy's absence.


And now with tears streaming down my face and a heaviness on my heart, I know that this is not the day where I will not cry.

Because I wanted Clancy to have greeted me when I got home- even if he didn't get off the couch. Because I wanted to have the responsibility of taking him out- even if he had already gone to the bathroom in his diaper.
Because I wanted the comfort of having his company inside our home.
Because I wanted to look over as I fell asleep and say "night night" as he went to sleep just beside me.

But these things are no longer to be.
Because Clancy is no longer with me.


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