Thursday, July 27, 2017

Steve finally comes home in a couple of hours and I'm equal parts apprehensive and looking forward to his return.

I know we will grieve our sweet Clancy in new ways together.
I know Steve will grieve Clancy's absence in ways I've just barely begun to adjust to and that makes my heart hurt for him.
I know that it will be hard.
I know that we will cry.
I know that it will hurt.
And I know that all of that will be necessary...and normal.

Three weeks ago, Clancy and I dropped Steve off at the airport. And he had a feeling that Clancy wasn't going to be around. I thought he was crazy. Dr. George thought he was crazy. But as it turns out, Steve was right.

Because I'm me, I took a million photos (okay, maybe a little less than that) as Steve was curbside at LAX. And as it turns out, this was the very last photo taken of Clancy and Steve:

Steve will return and things will be very, very different:

  • There will be no dog cover on the back seat of the car.
  • There is no dog to love on when he walks in the door. (Clancy wasn't necessarily getting up to greet us when we walked in the door towards the end.)
  • There isn't a single leash, harness or collar visible inside the apartment.
  • There is no basket of toys by the front door. 
  • There is no diaper, pad, wrap or doggie bags. 
  • My office has been rearranged. 
  • There is no crate inside our bedroom.
  • There is no dog bowl stand inside the kitchen, no cottage cheese or white rice inside the fridge, freezer or cabinets. No trace of Clancy's food anywhere. (I made sure to toss the one piece of kibble that was stuck inside the measuring cup that I found about a week ago...which of course made me cry). 
  • There are no tarps protecting the floors in the living room from the various accidents that were happening on a regular basis. 
And most painful of all, in place of our sweet boy, there's a fucking box of ashes that make up the contents of what used to be Clancy's body.

Steve and I have been grieving separately for 2 1/2 weeks. And now it's time for us to grieve together. We need to figure out how to go from a family of three to a family of two. How to adjust to the enormous emptiness left behind by Clancy's absence. How to fill the void and patch ourselves together again.

My hope is we can learn from Clancy's  example and provide each other with unconditional love and unwavering companionship as we need it most. 


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