Memories

I'm recognizing that now more than ever I need to take care of myself. I'm getting right into that time of the year that always seems to depress me without fail. I think back to this time, now miraculously four years ago, and my thoughts automatically and without hesitation go to my father. Today four years ago was the last night we spent with my father before he was admitted to the hospital. He never came out of that hospital and my thoughts and memories are just as vivid as if it was last night. I remember how frail and weak he looked leaving the lame ass B&B. How much he struggled to come down the stairs. How oddly skinny and unshapely his legs where. How sad I was just looking at him. We had no idea what hell we were in for in that month ahead.

But today as I'm on the cusp of all those crazy and sad images and memories, I am not looking forward to the memories that will inevitably creep into my head and stay there. From what I've been through in the last three years around this time, I know those sad thoughts will sink down to my heart and just sit there, heavily weighing on me and forcing me to think about a time of my life that I'd just assume forget.

From now until the end of August is when I'm at my most emotional about the experience of losing my father. Because truthfully, this time four years ago was the worst time for me and my sisters and my mother. The unknown, the uncertainty, the medicals up and (mostly) downs, resulted in us walking out of the hospital without my father but with the belongings he brought in with him. Those memories don't leave me. I'm certain they never will. Just as the memory of walking into my family's house at 22 Winter Street without my father will always remain one of the saddest experiences in my lifetime.

So for the next month or so, I need to honor this time and this sadness. I'm going to try and do that by asking for help when I need it. By taking time for myself, time away from work, time away from other people. I'm going to try and do it by eating better, spending time outdoors and on my bike (and hopefully on foot soon). But most of all, I hope I do it by being kind to myself. I'm learning everyday what that means and how I can do it on a more consistent basis...but now's as good of a time to start as any, right?