One More Thing

Just one more thing about yesterday.

When we were almost wrapping up lunch, I pulled out a little present I had for my patient. When I was in Catalina last May, I found this little bag of charms and just knew that I had to get it for my patient. It was one of those perfect gifts that I knew she would appreciate. What I didn't know, until yesterday, was that I was holding onto this gift until the perfect opportunity. And that opportunity was my first face to face meeting with this amazing and beautiful person.

Inside this little bag was a handful of charms (which are bolded below) and a little note that said:

TO KEEP IN YOUR POCKET:
A Heart for love,
A Peace Sign for hope,
An Acorn for a long and healthy life,
An Angel to watch over you,
The World, because its future is in your hands.



As I handed the gift over to my patient, her sister-in-law said "You are such a special girl" and started to cry and that got us all crying. It was just such an emotional experience and there were several points throughout the afternoon where we were overcome with a multitude of feelings- hope, sadness, gratitude, etc, and could barely hold it together.

Anyway, as I passed the little bag over to my patient, she took each charm out and read it aloud. Again, during an ordinary lunch with an ordinary person, it wouldn't have been so moving. But to see this person who had struggled and overcome so much sit there and say things like "a peace sign for hope" or "an acorn for a long and healthy life" or "an angel to watch over you" (and to have her look right at me) and even "the world because its future is in your hands" was just so intense. Because you knew that she took every single word and its meaning and the symbols of the charms absolutely straight to heart.

Knowing this person has had a huge influence on my life and I guess I just never really knew how much until yesterday. I still haven't been able to shake that experience, and I hope it stays with me for a very long time.

I added the picture of me and my patient to my phone screen saver and to my computer as a great reminder of hope and strength and to always remind me just how much of a difference I can make in just one person's life...and how truly important it is. Because as we talked about yesterday, at the end of the day, it's the people in your life who matter the most.

And I couldn't agree more.

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Chemo Angel

I had one of those experiences today that when you're going through it you just know that it's going to change you and be an important part of your life. It's one of those rare instances where you just feel so incredibly grateful for the moment.

A few years ago while I was reading People Magazine (a guilty pleasure of mine), I came across an article talking about a program called Chemo Angels. "Chemo Angels is a volunteer organization dedicated to adding a ray of sunshine to the lives of those undergoing IV chemo treatment." I thought this sounded very cool and tried to sign up. Because of an insane response to the People article, they were not taking any new volunteers at the time. So I kept visiting at the beginning of the month (when I remembered) and tried to get one of the spots. It wasn't until months and months later that it fell into place and I was assigned to my first chemo patient.

Towards the end of 2005, I received an email saying my assigned patient was a woman who had been diagnosed with stage four colon cancer which had metastasized to her liver. In other words, not great news.

My job was to send encouraging notes and small gifts at least once a week to brighten my patient's life while she was going through treatment. This was the easy part. I looked forward to communicating with my patient and took my job seriously. I knew what it was like to be going through chemo. I wasn't there while my mom was going through most of her treatments, but I knew that she was out of it for days at a time afterwards. I was actually studying in Los Angeles while my mom was going through her chemo and I would call to check in and send her notes and postcards just so she knew I was thinking about her. And I know they made her feel better. So I did just that for my patient.

I went long periods of time of not hearing anything. As part of Chemo Angels, the patient is expected to check-in with Admin once a month to give them an update, but they are not required to write back to you, the Chemo Angel. There were a couple of occasions when even Admin didn't hear anything from my patient. It made me anxious and sad. I remember coming back from a work trip about two years ago and I received a note from my patient's sister-in-law. The letter told me that my patient was in the hospital and things were not looking good. In fact, she had been in the hospital for a couple of months and had been in and out of the ICU.

A few months had gone by and I kept writing and sending small gifts and then one day out of the blue, I received a message from my patient's husband. Messages made me anxious. I was never sure if it was going to be good or bad news. But when I called back my patient answered the phone and when we first talked, I completely started crying out of happines and relief that she was alive and okay. She was doing okay, she was back at home and well on her way to some sort of a recovery. Things were still going slow, being taken one day at a time as she was not out of the woods. But it was wonderful to hear her voice.

It's been over a year since I talked with my patient for the first time. Almost a year since she stopped chemo (it'll be a year in March). We've kept in touch a little bit- certainly not as much as I had hoped. In fact, when Katie was working from Flagstaff, I almost got together with my patient. But it never worked out and since then (the fall), I haven't done a good job of keeping in touch.

Last Friday, after an exhausting work week, I received a call from my patient. She was going to be in Long Beach with her husband, his two sisters and one of their husbands, and wanted to get together. I was so touched and so excited. We made plans to get together today and it was simply amazing.

This woman was diagnosed with STAGE FOUR COLON CANCER WHICH HAD METASTASIZED TO HER LIVER and today I got to meet her. It was overwhelming and wonderful and I felt proud of myself for having touched this woman's life (and her family too) in such a powerful way. She's beautiful. She's remarkable and has changed my life by being the strong, brave woman that she is.



You know how people say things like "You just have to live your life for today?" Or "You can't take anything for granted?" She actually means it and live her life in a way that is completely in live with that line of thought. Listening to her talk today, it was so moving. She kept saying how she's healthy today, and she's not sure it'll stay that way, but that she can just live for today.

Being a Chemo Angel was a great experience, but I never thought I was going to be able to actually meet my patient. My patient's husband said that when she was in the hospital and was totally out of it and unconscious, that her machines would go crazy when her nieces would come and visit and when he read my letters to her. The entire family and my patient were so thankful and so loving and appreciative of my efforts and it just made me feel great.

I was moved and inspired today. And it was a great reminder that everyday really is a gift to be treasured. On top of all that, it was so great to see that among all the bullshit cancer stories of people dying too young and life not being fair type of things, that there was this woman who definitely beat all the odds. And I'm proud to have played a part in that...

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Wow

Last week I was feeling incredibly run down and as previously mentioned, I also happened to be so freaking busy at work that I didn't feel as if I had any time to actually get better. So I jokingly said I was having a contest this weekend to see how many hours I could sit on the couch.

Those of you who know me, know that I'm not really good at relaxing and chilling out. I am a master multi-tasker (which I'm not convinced is all it's cracked up to be actually). I can't sit still. I don't like to do nothing. I thrive on talking with people, being around people, doing somethiny- anything.

But I really and truly was feeling run down all last week and knew that in order to make it through the next few months, which'll continue to be very busy at work, that I needed to set aside some time to do nothing, to say no to everyone and everything, and to just chill the freak out.

I spent close to 30 hours on the couch since I stopped working on Friday. And it felt great.

I watched 36 episodes of Sex and the City yesterday alone. And then woke up this morning and watched another 25 today. If I didn't leave the apartment (for the first time all weekend) tonight to go to Sushi Roku for dinner, I probably would have made it all the way through the entire six seasons of SATC.

It was a wonderful wonderful weekend.

I took all of last week off from running. And while I felt a little bit like a slacker for doing so. I am ready to face the week and all its craziness and business with a renewed sense of energy and calmness.

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Under the Weather

I've been feeling not so hot for the past couple of days and it's hampered my ability to workout. So far I've only missed a two-mile run, but I've got plans to run tomorrow morning with Susannah so I'm getting right back out there.

As an aside, I hate being sick. I'm so busy at work I literally don't have time to get better. I should just take a day or two and do absolutely nothing, but it's just not an option. I know I know, I should make it happen. I'll re-evaluate at the end of the week and go from there.

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Bouncing Back...and it Feels Good

Susannah and I woke up this morning and went for our usual 2-mile run. She parks at Marguerita and Ocean. I swing by and grab her and we drive to the top of Marguerita at 26th street. We park and then run all the way down Marguerita until we get to Ocean Blvd. It's great for lots of reasons, but mainly because there's a slight decline for a lot of it and the last half mile you're running right towards the ocean.

So as I wrote about in a couple of posts ago, running since I got back from the east coast was really rough. But I was determined to get back on track and keep up with the training. We set out for our two-mile run and I literally felt like I would fall over. My body was stiff but I wasn't discouraged.

We finished the run, without stopping once, and when I looked down at my watch I knew that while it wasn't the best time I ever had doing that 2-mile route, it certainly wasn't the slowest time either and I was okay with that. I am okay with that. I'm trying. I'm putting myself out there. I'm not giving up and most importantly I'm getting in the mileage. So rock on, I'm getting back in the game and it feels great.

I was thinking...you know, I'm the type of person who has to have things done exactly perfectly just as I imagined them in my sometimes complicated brain. If I want to keep track of my food, it has to be in this black moleskin mini notebook. It has to be with a blue pen. And if I haven't been keeping up with my food log and have to go back a while, I have to write it all down on a different piece of paper so that I can write down everything in the order I ate it.

How f'n annoying does that sound?

I mean, come on. How difficult do I need to make it? It's just one example of how I get in my own way, of how I make things insanely harder than is necessary. So in this new year, I've started a food log online, cause let's face it...I'm always online! And it's working.

So I'm running, I'm keeping track of what I'm eating and I'm making healthful decisions that feel good to and for me. And as a result, I'm handling the stress at work so much better.

I'm off to a great start and I'm proud of myself.

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In Search of My Groove and The Year of Molly

It's been a long stretch since I last posted and really since I was paying attention to what I was eating, why, when, where, etc. The holidays have definitely interrupted my groove. I don't know where I heard or read this, but "they" say that the average American gains something like 8-12 lbs between Thanksgiving and New Years. When I read that, I loudly proclaimed "Not me. Not this year." And I'm thinking I might have spoken too soon.

I didn't go crazy, but I certainly didn't keep track of what I ate either. I didn't say no, I didn't think before I ate, I just saw something and ate it. When I say I didn't go crazy, I mean I didn't eat to the point where I felt like I'd explode. But I did in one morning go and grab a bagel with butter and then walked across the street to Dunkin' Donuts and get some munchkins (yum), hot chocolate and a jelly donut. Not all of my trip went that way, but there wasn't much holding back.

Anyway, so I'm back in LA and I'm feeling all schleppy and shit. I feel heavy and tired. And I've come to the conclusion that it sucks to treat my body like a trash can. It's hard enough to run as it is. It's even harder to run when you're overweight and carrying all that extra stuff. And it's even insanely harder (is that correct grammar?) than it needs to be when you're dealing with the emotional and actual baggage of not treating your body well.

I attempted to run yesterday and today and it sucked. I couldn't run a mile without stopping. I cut a three mile run down to two yesterday. Woke up this morning and attempted to run three miles to go meet Boges for a walk in Venice/Santa Monica along the beach and I don't know how many times I stopped. I know I got in three miles but it wasn't all running. And I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being disappointed by that. I'm not being hard on myself (or am I?), the fact of the matter is that before I left for the holidays, I was doing great and felt great. Blah.

It's a new year and I'm not making any resolutions like I have in the past about weight loss and taking better care of myself. I think mainly because they're not resolutions, they're just givens at this point. I need to treat my body better. I need to lose weight. But I also feel like those things will have to happen as a result of all my training.

But resolutions aside, I am hoping this is the year of Molly. I like the way that sounds. It's the year that I really take my life back, put myself first, have fun in ways that aren't all about food and learn to really take care of myself.

So here I am getting back on track. Wish me luck!

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