Scratch That

As I suspected, my mother-in-law's surgery has been canceled today. I'm relieved, mainly because I truly don't think she could have sustained the operation and was not properly prepared for how brutal this procedure would have been. However, it was canceled because the cancer has spread beyond her jaw bone and possibly into a nerve that leads to her brain. It's all very sad. Regardless of how this woman has treated me (and others) in the past and the way she lives her life, it's just an awful experience to not only be witness to, but to be playing such a large role in.

Steve's dad didn't have much information when they called him (while I was in the air) on Monday. He did say that Kathy was extremely relieved to not be going through with the operation and was in surprisingly good spirits despite the news. Personally, I don't think the news has set in; once it does, I fear Kathy will go downhill very quickly.

Today, instead of surgery, I'm accompanying Steve & Kathy to an appointment with a radiologist and her oncologist to get a better idea of what's going on, what the treatment plan in and what kind of a timeline we're talking about here.

I've had a hard time getting back into the swing of things since returning home from NYC and plan on turning things right back around and planting myself back on the no eating out train beginning tomorrow. In between the two appointments and the doing things for others, I'm going to go to the Farmer's Market and Trader Joe's to stock up on food so that I'm better prepared to take care of myself.

On an entirely different note, today I'm celebrating my 10-year friendiversary with three of my closest friends in the entire world. It was 10 years ago today that I flew out to California to take part in a student exchange program and met three people that have absolutely changed the course of my life. Tonight we're going to our old hangout to celebrate and enjoy each other's company. Here are a few great pictures of us throughout our decade long friendship!

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Goin' Goin' Back Back to Cali Cali

American Airlines has this great and creepy in flight Internet service that I'm taking advantage of. I love being able to get online, although I do think I need to cut back on how much time I spend on my computer, but it is a little weird, right?

My trip back east with my family was really great. I do feel very relaxed and ready to get back to Santa Monica.

Some highlights from the trip include:
1. Spending so much time with my nieces! Julia is a total crack-up and Lila is so beautiful. It was a lot of fun to hang out in the city with Julia on Friday. Watching her run all over the place and see how truly happy she makes people by just being her adorable self was a great way to spend my day. At one point, we were holding hands walking down Park Ave. and a man literally rolled down his window and screamed out "I love her hair."





The hardest thing about living in California is that it's so far from my family. And spending time with my nieces makes me feel even farther away. But we had a very fun time and I can't wait to see them again.

2. Worked out 5 times! Thank you to Wii, I was able to keep up with my workouts and feel good about that aspect of this trip. Usually when I'm in NYC, I'm very inactive and eat a lot. But that wasn't the case this time around. I tried Wii for the first time and besides being a truly outstanding bowler (which is funny considering I suck in real life), I got to work out four times doing yoga, aerobic exercises (the hula hoop is a KILLER), strength training and balancing work (of which I apparently have none of, according to Wii). It made me really happy to be so active on the trip and also made me freak out a little less about food.

3. Easy on the food. I didn't go crazy around food, which was great. I didn't beat myself up about food choices either. I definitely ate more than I would had I been home, but I wasn't, and I needed to let that go. But it brought to light, even more, how important it is for me to limit how many times a week I go out to eat. Or even just how much I eat out period. It's just impossible to make the best decisions when you are tempted by the little menu calling out all these great foods that taste good, but in reality, are not that good. So I'm going to get right back on that bandwagon.

4. Little on the agenda. I'm usually the type of person who has a jam-packed social schedule. I flit from place to place and meet up with a million people and then come the end of my trip, I'm anything but relaxed. Luckily, this was not the case with this trip. Although it made some people sad (I didn't get to meet my Aunt's dog Monty), it was important for me to not overextend myself and to keep the trip simple. This definitely helped make my trip more enjoyable and lent to the refreshed feeling I have heading west.

5. Laundry's all done. One of my favorite things in the world is to go home with clean laundry. I know this makes me seem incredibly anal and boring (and I'm okay with that), but it does make a big difference for me to go home and not have to worry about the pile of laundry and other chores waiting for me. So, thanks to Kara, I was able to get all my laundry done in NJ and can go home with one less thing to cross off my to do list!

6. No work! This one is getting easier and easier for me. It's not as much of a challenge to check-in and monitor my emails. I just don't do it. Which is a great feeling. I'm okay with the fact that I'll have a bunch of emails waiting for me tomorrow morning and that the next few days will be a little nutty. But that's okay. It's worth it to me, to truly be able to step away from work and give myself the time I need to restore my energy and chill out.

So overall, it was a really great trip. I loved being able to see so much of my family. Lila's christening yesterday (I'm a co-godmother with Katie) was really nice and made it possible for me to see more of my family that I don't normally get to see. It's a nice calm before another storm erupts over here.

It's going to be a challenging week. Steve's mom is currently scheduled to go in for a major major gnarly operation on Wednesday. She backs out of most her plans, so I wouldn't be surprised if she backed out of this, but...it really is almost a case of life and death and with literally her life on the line, I'm leaning more towards her going through with it. I'll be doing a lot of taking care of other people this week- Kathy and Steve and her sister, My Steve and his brother. It's a lot to manage and keep up with, but they need all the strength and support I can muster up, so I have to make it a top priority to take care of me during all of this as well.

For me that means, maintaining my workouts (I did squeeze in Wii fit this morning and Susannah and I already have a date to go for a bike ride before I start work at 8am tomorrow), significantly cutting back on how much I eat out (I already have plans for Wednesday PM to celebrate my 10-year Friendiversary with my Best LA Ladies), write down what I eat and make sure I'm doing what is necessary to take care of myself so that I feel well balanced and rested at the end of each day.

I'm going to spend the last two hours of my flight listening to Oprah's Best Life Ever podcasts, catching up on my food journal and writing out my goals for the upcoming week. I know it's going to be another great one!

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What a Day to be Alive!

Holy crap, what an emotional day, huh? How freaking adorable are Sasha & Malia? How beautiful is The First Couple? How moving and inspiring is The President of the United States? How dumb did Bush look everytime the cameras panned to him? How chilling was the sight of the Washington Mall with the millions of American flags waving around?

It's an amazing day for the country and I feel proud by what happened today.

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Week 2 Goals

I was a little anxious tonight when I solidified my goals for week two. Which I'm taking as a good sign. It means I'm going to have to work hard this week to make them happen. And I'm okay with that.

So here's what's on tap for this week:
1. No Drinking- I actually went all last week without a drink and it was fine. Although I don't think I have a drinking problem, I do have an eating problem and when I drink, I tend to give myself permission to eat whatever I want and I can't have that going on right now. So, no drinking for another week.

2. No Eating Out. I'm really craving sushi right about now, and tonight I almost blew it, but thanks to my lover who went out and got salmon and other groceries to make dinner, we stayed in and we haven't broken our streak yet. So with that renewed sense of commitment, I'm sticking to the no going out to eat rule again this week. Especially because I'm going to NYC next week and I know it is unrealistic to think I can keep that up while I'm there. Sushi will have to wait until early February when I have a friend in town visiting.

3. Try Spin Class...Again. Spin class is guaranteed to kick my ass and I definitely need to work up some nerve to getting in a class. I know 100% that I will feel so much better once I do it, but it's so insanely hard and my friend is no longer the instructor, so it's a little intimidating. But, it's a goal of mine, and I'm hell bent on reaching these mini-goals, so it looks like I'm going to a spin class this week. If any of my friends in LA are reading this and interested in going, let me know :)

4. Get Out and Write- at least one night I will go to a coffee shop to do some writing. Time to catch up in my journal and on some letter writing. Plus, I like getting out of my apartment and being around other people.

5. Go to the Farmer's Market. One of the highlights of last week was when my team call ended early and we all agreed to step away from our computers. My twin had asked me to go and get her some clementines at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market and so I went and was totally blown away at the size of it- much larger than the times I've been on Saturdays. It was a great way to spend my lunch break- surrounded by good food and flowers and I got to be outside. I definitely plan on making this a regular thing for my lunchtime break.

So there are the five goals on deck for this week. I'm off to a great start already and feeling good about the week ahead.

One quick note. I had a loooooooong workday, but I realized last week that if I start off my Monday morning with a workout before starting to work for the day, it helps me stay grounded and gets my week off to a productive and helpful start with the whole working out and weight loss effort. So Susannah and I met along Ocean Ave. to do yoga while looking at the ocean.

Here was our view:




Not bad, huh? I love Santa Monica!

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Week 1 2009 in Review

It's Sunday PM and for the first time in a very long time, I have had a truly great week. There are several reasons for this.

First, I'll start with a recap of my goals for this week and a report on how I did:
1. Weigh myself and record it so I can start charting my progress- Check. My plan with this is not to share my weight, but rather to share my weight loss once a month to keep me motivated. So yes, all set here.

2. Work out at least three times- Check. I'm happy to report that I worked our four times this week. Susannah and I went for a walk/run (just a little bit of running) on Monday and a late night walk on Tuesday. Thursday evening I went for another long walk with a friend. And yesterday I went hiking with Katie and Clancy (caught a quick glimpse of Ray Romano as he passed by us heading up the mountain on our way down). I'm sore from the hike, but it feels really great. And it felt great all week to be working out again. It helped me focus less on working and more on me.

3. Attempt to start running again- Check. It wasn't a fun attempt and it was an important reminder for myself to not do things just because I feel like I have to. It's okay to start running when I have lost more weight and actually want to. Basically, I'm not forcing the running thing. If the mood strikes me, I'll run, but it's not a goal of mine currently.

4. No going out to eat during week 1- not for a single meal- Check. This is the biggie for me. I really thought I'd struggle with this, but I'm happy to say I haven't had a meal out all week. Steve and I made every single meal at home and it was great. I really do enjoy cooking. I think it's a great way to relieve stress after a long day of work. And it helps me get off my computer and do something better for myself. and for the most part, Steve and I have a fun time cooking together (although he takes much longer to cook and leaves the kitchen looking like a total disaster). But yes, I did it and it obviously helped me have so much better control over what I put in my mouth.

5. Write down all the food I eat in the same day I eat it- Not so much. This is the one area I definitely need to improve upon. While I didn't totally slack on this, there's room for improvement.

So all in all, it's been a great week. I had a hard week emotionally and felt so much better equipped to deal with it because I wasn't relying on food or a drink to get me through. I slept better, my energy level was up and I had a good handle on things. I knew when to step away from work, I knew when to step outside. I know when to spend time by myself. I knew when I needed some support.

I think one of the other big things that made a huge difference in my week is that I had no social commitments. It made it so much easier to take care of myself when I didn't have to be running off to a million different places with a million different people. Which is an interesting one for me. I'm a very social person and I love to entertain and be with my friends. But this week helped me understand that I can't do things the same way if I want to see different results.

I have to make some drastic changes, which does include significantly reducing my social calendar (since that often goes hand in hand with eating and drinking, which can lead to more eating). But today, I did have plans to meet a friend for lunch in Santa Barbara. Original plans included meeting at a restaurant and I changed them and brought a picnic lunch instead.

So all in all, it was a good week. I know the first week is typically much easier because it's new and you're excited and all that stuff. So I'm not delusional. I know that it will get harder and it won't always go this smoothly. But I had a great first week and I can go into week two knowing that I've started some great habits that I look forward to continuing.

Tomorrow I look forward to posting about my goals for week two. But for now, it's bed because I've got a date with Susannah to do yoga at the park overlooking the ocean before I start working for the week.

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Sometimes it Just Sucks

Today was a bad day. I'm trying to be better about owning my feelings so I'm okay with saying that today sucked. In terms of taking care of myself and staying on track and eating well and even working out, it was great.

But I also accompanied my in-laws to a horrifying appointment at UCLA to hear in excruciating detail the major surgery my mother-in-law will likely have for cancer that has spread from a spot on her lip to her jaw bone. The procedure is just terrible. I'll spare the details, but suffice to say it's a nightmare which involves a 10-12 hour surgery, a 7-10 day hospital stay, a year recover period and a 25-30% cure rate.

One of my favorite steps that I outlined to meet my goal of losing weight was "Talk or write about why I'm stressed and figure out how to make myself feel better without food." It was really helpful, today of all days, to remember that as I went about this horrible afternoon. It's hard to be motivated to eat anything after you sit in the kind of meeting that I sat through, but when you have a weird relationship with food, you'll use it anyway you think it'll make you feel better.

I recognized today of all days that I especially had to take care of myself in a way that would make me feel better and not worse. And I know enough to know that using food as a way to make myself feel better, never ever works. After the appointment, I drove on home, right past the In-n-Out Burger and made lunch (which I didn't eat at my desk!). I finished my work day and actually talked with some people about what was going on. I'm so concerned about being a "Debbie Downer" that I sometimes just don't talk about what's going on. But this is big and scary and sad and I do need to talk about it.

A co-worker asked me if I was getting the support I needed while taking care of my in-laws and being the one person there to make sure they knew what they were doing, asking the right questions of the doctors and surgeons. It made me realize that I don't even know what support I need right now.

I do know that I need to keep making myself a priority in order to survive all of this. And I'm happy to report I'm doing that. Yes, I know it's day two. I know this is day two of day two hundred thousand (give or take a few days). But right now, in this moment, I'm very much appreciative of the fact that I ate three great healthy meals, didn't work too much today, took time to do my own thing and went for a great walk where I could hear the waves crashing up on the shore.

It certainly helped the day suck a little less.

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My 2009 Goal: I Will Lose Weight

Last month I attended a work meeting in Chicago and a large portion of one day was sitting in on a workshop that I thought was going to be about sales and how to deal with it in the current economy. Luckily for me, it turned out it was only a little bit focused on that and a lot focused on personal goal setting.

My job is very much about giving giving giving to other people. And I'm totally fine with that. I'm about to celebrate five years of being with the same company and seven years of being in the same line of work and I still feel so very fortunate to be able to do it for a living. I still love love love what I do and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. So it was a pleasant surprise when the session turned out to be just as much for our personal well being.

The task was simple. Set a goal. And your goal isn't something flimsy, like "I want to..." You need to set a strong goal. So I started mine out to be "I will lose weight." Nice and strong and direct.

After you set your goal, your next step is to write out the benefits once you meet your goal. The idea is that the benefits list will help you keep going when things go rough and that it helps motivate you along the way.

So the benefits of losing weight (we know they're endless) for me are:
I'll feel better about my appearance
I'll wear nicer clothing
I'll have more energy
It'll be easier for me to work out
I won't be embarrassed by my appearance
I won't be afraid to go to the doctor
I won't be embarrassed to see people I haven't seen in a while
I won't feel anxious every time I see my family
I won't blame everything on my weight
I'll try surfing
I'll feel lighter
I'll feel more confident
I'll feel healthier
I'll save money
I'll eat healthier foods
I won't be overweight
I won't feel as anxious
I won't be afraid in social situations or feel judged
I won't have problems sleeping
I'll feel incredibly proud of myself for overcoming this challenge and meeting this goal
I'll be more excited to start each day
I'll live a more balanced life
I'll be closer to being ready to start my own family

After this, you come up with the obstacles that may get in the way of you reaching your goal. And for each obstacle, you list action items and other things that you can do to make the obstacle not be a challenge. So here goes:

1. I've tried this before.
1.1- Identify all the reasons why losing weight hasn't been successful in the past.
1.2- Make a list of all the ways I've tried to lose weight before.
1.3- Find quotes about trying again and put them up in places I need to see them.

2. Me getting in my own way.
2.1- Write down a daily intention to keep my goal of losing weight top of mind.
2.2- Check in with myself regularly about my commitment and willingness to see this through the ups and downs, the successes and the setbacks.
2.3- Surround myself with positive words and images.

3. Going out to eat.
3.1- Significantly reduce the amount of times I eat out.
3.2- Look at eating out only at places where I can make healthful food choices.
3.3- Say no when friends suggest going out to eat.
3.4- Cook more at home.
3.5- Invite friends over instead of going out to eat.
3.6- Tell friends I'm trying to lose weight and get them on board.

4. Not eating enough/regularly throughout the day.
4.1- Write down what I eat.
4.2- Eat breakfast everyday.
4.3- Have food in the house I can eat.
4.4- Ask Steve to help out with the shopping.
4.5- Shop with Steve.
4.6- Plant snack food in my car and in my bag so I'm never without food.

5. Not having food in the house.
5.1- Go shopping more often.
5.2- Walk to the store- it's right next door!
5.3- Go shopping with Steve- make it fun.
5.4- Make lists for the store.
5.5- Pull out recipes I want to make and stock the fridge/cabinets with ingredients.
5.6- Plan meals with Steve and shop accordingly.

6. Having unhealthy foods in the house.
6.1- Eliminate unhealthy food in the apartment.
6.2- Throw anything out that's already in the apartment.
6.3- Bake less.
6.4- Tell Steve to bring not so great food to school to get it out of the apartment.

7. Traveling.
7.1- Reduce travel when possible since it throws me off my game.
7.2- Pack snacks so I don't eat shit box on the plane or bad food at the airport.
7.3- Allow for some deviation from the perfect plan while traveling.
7.4- Aim to workout more while traveling to help balance out unavoidable/unplanned food situations.

8. Drinking
8.1- Significantly reduce drinking and amount I drink when I'm out.
8.2- Eat before I go out.
8.3- Drink water and eat when I come home to keep me from eating crap.
8.4- Don't get drunk.

9. Stress
9.1- Breathe, meditate.
9.2- Stretch.
9.3- Workout, do yoga, take Clancy for a walk.
9.4- Talk or write about why I'm stressed and figure out how to make myself feel better without food.
9.5- Write in my food journal or blog.
9.6- Sit on the couch and watch TV, read a magazine, a book or relax/do "nothing."

10. Working too much.
10.1- Make a commitment to not work more than 8hrs/day when possible.
10.1a- When I do have to work long days, take a lunch and other breaks to keep me sane/take care of myself.
10.2- Put lunch on my calendar everyday and don't move it for work unless absolutely necessary.
10.3- Turn off my work computer every night.
10.4- Don't volunteer to work every holiday- enjoy it!
10.5- Use old vacation days and plan for the time off now.
10.6- Delegate more.
10.7- Don't eat at my desk.
10.8- Say no more often (to more than just work!)
10.9- Remove work email from iPhone unless it's convenient for me.
10.10- Don't work on the weekends if I'm bored or feel like I have nothing better to do.
10.11- Can I have a computer free day on the weekends?

11. Getting lazy/losing focus.
11.1- Write down what I eat.
11.2- Determine if I step on the scale or not.
11.3- Find an accountability partner.
11.4- Look into OA meetings.
11.5- Commit to going to more meetings until I find one that works for me and go more often.
11.6- Write down a daily intention.
11.7- Check-in with myself about my goals and commitment level.

12. A lack of structure or accountability.
12.1- Go to OA meetings.
12.2- Write down what I eat.
12.3- Write down a daily intention.
12.4- Chart my progress.
12.5- Determine how I'll measure success.
12.6- If I weigh myself, where do I do it? Who does it? Do I see the number on the scale? How frequently do I do it?
12.7- Write more on my blog.

13. Using food as a reward system.
13.1- Make a list of all the other ways I can reward myself without food.
13.2- Start taking care of myself in other ways so food isn't the only thing I do to "treat" myself.
13.3- Re frame how I use food- as an opportunity to nourish my body, to provide myself with energy to get through the day.

14. Other people.
14.1- Say no if it's going to interfere with my ability to eat well, treat myself/my body healthfully or if it'll make myself feel bad later.
14.2 Offer to make dinner at my place.
14.3- Meet up with people after I've eaten dinner.
14.4- Bring food I know I can eat if going over to other people's homes.
14.5- Suggest to do things that don't involve food.
14.6- Tell people what i"m doing so they can support me, help me, get on board, etc.

15. Eliminating certain foods.
15.1- Make a list of the foods that set me off.
15.2- Make a commitment to reduce the frequency with which I eat these foods.
15.3- Don't eliminate foods all together so I don't go bat shit crazy when I eat them or am around them.
15.4- Don't judge myself when I do eat them.
15.5- Be honest with myself that I may need to say no to some foods for a while to help me lose weight.

16. Eating a last supper/hoo haa.
16.1- Make my commitment to losing weight an ongoing effort so I don't feel the need to freak out on food.
16.2- Make a conscious effort to not overeat.
16.3- Keep in check the foods I eat in a single day and balance out the types of food I eat.

17. Getting disappointed by not seeing results quickly enough.
17.1- Don't let the scale dictate whether I'm successful or not. Make a list of what doesn't show up on the scale.
17.2- Make a list of ways I know I'll be on the right path with weight loss so it's not only about the scale.
17.3- Make a list each week of the successes I've had. Remind myself what's working and what I'm doing well.
17.4- Be realistic with myself that it's not always going to be perfect. There will be setbacks and that's okay.
17.5- Set mini-goals to keep me on track, feel successful and move me in the right direction.

Wow, that's a lot, right? It's hard for me to even digest all of that and to know where exactly to go from here. My next step is to set deadlines for some of these items and to complete action items that can be taken care of right away.

For right now, it's Sunday and every Sunday I'm going to be writing out my goals for the week. So to kick it off, here are my goals for week 1:

1. Weigh myself and record it so I can start charting my progress.
2. Work out at least three times.
3. Attempt to start running again.
4. No going out to eat during week 1- not for a single meal.
5. Write down all the food I eat in the same day I eat it.

I'll check-in throughout the week on all of this, and I will give a full report on how I did with these goals next Sunday.

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It's all About me and Mine in 2009

A friend of mine has created a theme/motto for the past two years. Of course as a way to help guide and motivate her year, I'm sure. This year I decided to participate and came up with "It's all about me and mine in 2009."

I made some significant progress in 2008 in some ways. But not in the one main way that I had wanted- to lose weight. It's now back on the front burner and something I'm planning on being more active in reaching.

Right now my plan is to start paying attention to what I'm eating by writing it all down. Regular workouts. Making small goals. And in a general sense, continue to figure out what it means to take care of myself.

Oprah magazine had a cover with two pictures of Oprah. One from several years ago showing her all confident and happy in revealing workout clothes. And then one from now where she's ashamed and embarrassed in workout clothes that hide every inch of her body. The accompanying article goes on to say that the real reason she gained back all the weight is because she stopped making herself the focus. She stopped taking care of herself and stopped making herself a priority. As a result, she gained a bunch of weight back and is pretty unhappy about it.

More and more these days, when you read about weight loss, it's not entirely focused on just the eating aspect of things. I'm no dummy. I get that to lose weight you need to change your eating habits and you need to workout. But I am bought into this whole idea that in order to lose weight, you do need to put yourself at the top of the priority list. Because taking care of yourself does mean things like eating better, workout out more, getting a good night of sleep, treating yourself to a mani/pedi, etc.

Slowly but surely, I will get back into all of those things. For now, I'm just taking it one day at a time and I'm back. It's all about me and mine in 2009.

PS- As an aside, I'm glad I don't have to do my weight struggle as publicly as Oprah.

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