Ramblings

I'm in Indiana for a leadership retreat through work. I was here last year and was asked to come back this year as the "alumni assistant." This means, among many other things, I get to sit back and watch other people go through the process while I observe and help the experience stay on task and run smoothly.

I love the company I work for and continue to feel so privileged that I get to work here. I've been doing this work for quite some time now and it's not lost on me how lucky I am to love what I do as much as I do. And being able to come back and assist with someone like this reminds me all over again how great this place is and the people whose company I am in.

While here, it's this amazing opportunity to look at yourself in an entirely different light. And although I've already been through it, I am energized to have this opportunity to focus on me and my leadership.

I've been struggling the past few days. After catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and seeing some tagged photos of me from the Denver 3-Day, I became really down on myself. I wish the whole losing weight thing happened quicker. I wish I saw results much sooner than I have. And the thing about saying shit like that and feeling that way is I know in my heart it's unproductive. I also know that it does me no good to think unkindly about my body. It starts a vicious and unhealthy pattern that has never served me well.

I think I've said before that I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes. Because I know for a fact that most of my friends and co-workers don't label me as an overweight person. It's not what defines me in their eyes. And I need and desperately want to be more like that and to feel that way about myself.

When I saw myself, it was disheartening. I thought I looked gross. And I was ashamed. Scratch that, am ashamed. But I have been doing so well for the past couple of months. I have made some serious changes to the way I eat and treat my body. And I know that takes a lot of time. I need to be patient and understanding of the amount of time it's going to take me to see a significant difference in my appearance.

While I'm here in Indiana I am on "the game." I went to Whole Foods this morning and picked up a bunch of groceries to ensure I have enough protein and other food whenever I need it. I also picked up endless amounts of soda, candy, chips and cookies for the group to eat at the farm. Which is fine. Because I will be snacking on almonds, cheese, yogurt, fruit and veggies.

Anyway, no real good way to tie this all together. Except to say that I'm energized by being here and would really like to focus on all the good things that I'm doing for myself. The rest, I really do believe, will fall into place in time.

Patience.