Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Funky Town

I'm trying to shake my funk, but I'm not being very successful. While I had a great trip with my mom, it kicked off a week long food fest which I'm also having a hard time shaking. On top of that, I only ran once last week and this morning all I could muster up was a 2-mile run.

Yesterday I woke up in a foul foul mood. When I don't eat well or treat my body well, it absolutely affects my mood. So that's been fun to deal with. As a result, I committed to doing at least one thing to make me feel better. Luckily I managed to do lots of things that made me feel better including getting a manicure, pedicure and waxed. I also went to Double W (up .8 lbs in two weeks, I'm not complaining) and I went to Trader Joe's. (And bought a bunch of food that I haven't event touched yet).

I decided to go to Double W because I haven't given up on this. And I knew it would have to make me feel better. I arrived late and ended up getting a seat practically out the door away from everyone else. I couldn't help but think as I sat on the outside of the meeting, that it was representative of how I've felt about my attitude and approach towards Double W- I have very much felt like I'm sitting on the outside looking in. When I absolutely know that in order to make this work, I cannot be an outsider.

I'm going away tomorrow for almost a week. One of my favorite people in the world is getting married in Maine and I'm honored to be among the very few wedding guests. I also get the chance to see some of the people I've missed the most since moving to the west coast. Although I hate being away from my home, I am looking forward to the space and change of scenery. I'm hoping that the time away will provide me with a good opportunity to get my head back in the game.

In the past three weeks I've gained 1.6 lbs. When I weighed in for Double W my second week, I was definitely bummed that I gained "a whisper" but I was having a hard time with all the activity I was doing and didn't eat all my food points. So I knew I had some adjusting I needed to do. The following week was Memorial Day, so I skipped weighing in entirely. And then knew that no matter how poorly I ate the previous week, going to weigh myself yesterday would make me feel better in some way.

I wish this wasn't so hard. Part of what's bumming me out about all of this too is that I don't feel like I can talk with Steve about this. We always end up arguing because I can't ever articulate what I need or want from him, other than for him to not come across as judgmental. When I told him I wasn't feeling that great about myself, his first response was, "Oh, I wonder why." Totally not helpful. Then we go back and forth about how I want him to say stuff sometimes, but not others and then we just don't talk about it, or anything, and it's just a shitty feeling on top of an already shitty feeling.

I told you, funky town.

Here's what I know. I'm running that f'n marathon no matter what. I can and will do this weight loss thing. I'm not giving up, I'm just going through a rough patch. And everyday I will just work and work until I get this right.


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