7 Months to go

The marathon is only seven months away (to the day) and I'm not feeling so great about it. I will do it. I will. But I just wish that I had been more consistent with my training and my nutrition so that I was in a much better place than I am.

I emailed Hal today and told him that I was struggling and needed his help getting back on the right track. So I certainly hope that helps.

In the meantime, I'm getting away to Tahoe this weekend and will use the time to reflect and recharge.

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Two Miles...Again

I ran two miles for the first time (again) in I don't know how long...probably a month. I took my favorite route- Marguerita all the way- and cruised right on to the ocean. I ran with Junior and it was really nice. I was going slowly for sure, but the point is that I ran two miles without stopping. As usual, it just makes me think that adding 24 miles on top of that is going to be basically impossible.

When I start going down that route, I just try and talk myself out of it. By the time I'm supposed to run 26.2 miles, I will have had much more training under my belt and if all continues the way that it has, I'll have significantly less of me to carry around. I don't mean that in a mean, put myself down kind of way, I just honestly mean, that I sure as hell hope I have lost enough weight for it to make a difference come the end of October. I don't need to make this anymore difficult for myself.

After the run, Junior and I were treated to a great ocean view and it reminded of just how much I love Santa Monica. (Note: I didn't take this picture, but wanted you to get a little visual stimulation as well!)



It feels great to have increased the workouts this week. I ran on Monday and then went for a walk last night and then ran again today. I'm hoping to keep up a nice workout routine this week and I'm looking forward to see how much of a difference that makes on the scale on Sunday. Regardless of what it tell me, I know I'm moving in the right direction.

As an aside, only five more days until my most favorite day of the entire year!

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Doing it for ME

After a lot of careful consideration, I decided to stop seeing my nutritionist. The thing is I truly love my nutritionist and I feel like I was getting a lot out of our appointments. She's been helpful in so many ways, but ultimately, I felt like I was in it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't go to sessions, even if I had to pay for them, because I felt like I was going to let her down. I'd want to tell little white lies about things I ate, or didn't eat, or things I did, or didn't do, because I didn't want to feel embarrassed. I'd stop journaling my food because I was embarrased by what I thought she would think. So I have known for a while that I really needed to think long and hard about this.

In fact, during our last session, which was about a month ago, I mentioned all of this to Erin. I told her that I felt like I was wasting my money by coming in every other week and not seeing any changes. That was a big thing for me. I felt as if it was just a waste of everyone's time if I was ultimately not willing to make the changes that would help me lose weight and commit to something- anything- that would help me get on the right track. It just didn't make sense to me and I was getting fed up at the end of our time together. We've been working together for quite some time, and yet, nothing. I mean lots of progress along the way, but nothing to show for the work that we did together.

Interestingly enough, I had one of the best sessions with Erin the last time we met. She had me do a visualization exercise. I was told to close my eyes and imagine myself and three different places in my life- at my current weight or a little heavier, at my normal weight and then at my ideal weight.

At each place I was to imagine my day. I wake up, get out of bed and take pause to think about how I feel. I go to my closet and pick out my clothing. Then I go to the bathroom and get dressed and look in the mirror. I go outside in the world and go about my day. I interact with my boss, my friends, my co-workers, my husband, my dog, etc. I was to think about how I feel all throughout the day. What do I think about? How is my mood? What's my energy like?

It was really fascinating and kind of sad to think about myself at my current weight in contrast to the other two places (my ideal and normal weight are the same in my mind). At my current weight, I get out of bed with a total heaviness. I am not excited about what I'm going to wear. In fact, I pick out clothing based on what's not going to feel uncomfortable around my waist. Some days this involves an elastic waistband, others not. Looking in the mirror? Not a chance. There are two mirrors in my house- one is the bathroom cabinet thingy above the sink. The other is also in the bathroom and has at all times enough stuff covering it so that there's no chance of me catching a glimpse of myself.

Yes, I know how pathetic and sad that sounds. I get it. But at the same time, this is honestly how I live my life. I DO NOT under any circumstances like to see myself in the mirror.

Anyway, my day is filled with lots and lots of work. When I do go outside, maybe to walk my dog, I am constantly thinking if other people who drive or walk by think that I'm overweight. Do they judge me the same harsh way that I judge myself? Do they think I'm lazy? The interaction that I have with people I know is fine. That's one constant in my life and something that I never question. In fact, as I told Erin during this exercise, I wish I could see myself through my friends' eyes. They absolutely love me for exactly who I am and my weight never even crosses their mind. It's not an issue. And when I can think rationally, I know that love and unconditional support is an extension of exactly what I give to each of them and what I deserve. Not just of my friends and family, but of myself. I need to get to that place where I can not only deal with myself but actually love myself.

A HUGE revelation that came out of this for me was understanding that one of the main reasons that I work as much as I do (and believe me, I've honestly been cutting back in the past few weeks) is because I'm good at it. I spend so much of my day thinking about how overweight I am and how awful I feel about myself as a result of that, and how much of a failure I feel like because I can't get my shit together. So I combat that by working because I'm good at what I do, I like it, it makes me feel good about myself because I'm spending time working on something that helps me forget that there's this other huge area of my life that feels like a complete and total failure.

When I got of bed at my normal/ideal weight, I was happy to greet the world. I envisioned myself flinging my closet doors wide open and then being so excited to pick out my clothes. I had a spring in my step. I felt good. I looked good. I liked myself.

I want to get to that place. I really do.

So getting back to the original part of this post...Erin suggested that I consider coming every week. She knew that in order for this to really work, I needed to be willing to show up every week and have that accountability. And I left really thinking that was exactly what I was going to do. She insisted I take the ride home and the weekend to think about it and to let her know.

That was on February 8th.

I JUST contacted Erin today to let her know that I've decided to go at it on my own. My reasons are because there was something about the approach that wasn't working for me. After working with Erin and my therapist for about a year and a half, there was no significant change in my weight. Yes, I've learned an insane amount about myself, but at the end of the day, my weight is the thing that I want and need to change the most. So I felt like needed a change in this approach.

It's been a week and a day since I implemented this new change and I'm feeling good. I know this is a pattern for me. I get on these kicks and don't stick with it that long. I'm not trying to put myself down, but I am being honest about recognizing the pattern here. I do believe that if I'm doing this for me and no one but me, it's going to help me be more successful, see more results and want to truly do this the right way for the long haul.

And that's what I'm counting on.

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That's What I'm Talking About

So I stepped on the scale today and discovered that I lost 3.8 lbs. Fantastic and encouraging. I worked hard this week and figured out some new ways that I know I need to live my day to day life, especially when it comes to food, nutrition, health and exercise.

I started out my day weighing myself and then knew from there I would write up my food plans for the week. Knowing that I lost was really helpful because it showed that what I did last week was working. So I sat down and wrote out my weekly food plan and then wrote down a list of challenges. They are:

1. Meghan & Rob visiting.
2. Limiting eating out.
3. Not drinking too much.
4. More exercise.

When you have visitors in town, it's almost a given that you'll eat out more. And as I learned this week, I absolutely must cut back (almost completely) the meals I eat out. I just have to, it's not good for me and trying to lose weight. So they arrive late Thursday night, which means in this week there's Friday & Saturday where I need to be careful. It's certainly not a challenge that I can't overcome, but one I do need to be aware of.

My sisters and I love to drink and have fun together. But the point of Meghan's visit really is to spend St. Patrick's Day with one another- it's like our Christmas, but better! So I have to keep that in mind and save my drinking for 3/17. I can do it.

And then finally, this week I only worked out twice. I'm not going to lie, the running has been a bit of a struggle for me. Getting back into it has been difficult. I ran a mile yesterday and it literally hurt towards the end- not my body, not my shins, nothing like that- just my breathing. It was hard. But I powered on after a very brief walking break and even did a set of the famous Santa Monica stairs.

First I went down the concrete ones- I think these are harder then the wooden set. Their closer together and obviously since they're made out of concrete, they don't "give" as much.



I walked to the next set of stairs, and continued up this set. I think these are easier.



They are easier, but the workout is still a bitch. It's just hard.

But of course, it felt really great afterwards.

So I am confident that if I pick up the workouts and continue to eat the way I did last week, I will see great results.

It's been a while since I've felt motivated and excited, but I am feeling just that. And I'm going with it.

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Tomorrow

Every Sunday I will be weighing myself and reporting back on the progress. Since tomorrow is the first time that I will do it, I can't say exactly how it'll go. But, what I do know is it's been a super long time since I weighed myself and saw the results on a consistent basis. When I was seeing my nutritionist, she would weigh me but not share the results.

Mainly this was because a while ago when I first started this, I got completely discouraged and frustrated by the number on the scale. In fact, I did this whole exercise on how I could tell I was doing well without the scale. And it was fine for a while, but the truth is I'm very much motivated by the scale. I feel like I need to see if what I'm doing is working or not by what is showing up on the scale. I know enough by now to know that the scale isn't always going to be accurate and that it's certainly not the only measure of whether I'm doing a good job or not.

So tomorrow should be interesting.

It's been a good week for the most part. I've learned two important things:
1. Planning meals a week in advance is amazing and insanely helpful. I loved looking at my list of meals and not having to decide what I was going to eat. It was so easy and certainly made me make much smarter and healthier decisions.

2. I can't go out to eat. Losing weight and going out to eat just doesn't really go together too well for me. For the past couple of years (and more than that really), I have tried to incorporate losing weight into the way I have always lived my life. So I kept saying that going out to eat was something I need to try and learn how to do while I'm losing weight. But the fact of the matter is that if I'm trying to lose weight, being out at a restaurants, where there are a million more temptations than if I was making my own meal at home, is just not a good idea. Not for me. And not right now.

As a result, I cooked at home more. Made some delicious meals. I did eat out three times, just for dinner, but we only had to pay one night. And since limiting the going out to eat thing is for financial and nutritious reasons, that does make a difference.

Anyway, I'm friggin' tired and I feel like I'm not making much sense anymore so I'm going to bed soon.

But, this has been one of the best weeks I've had in a while. And regardless of what the scale tells me tomorrow morning, I'm glad that I was able to make so many changes and I'm looking forwward to another well thought out planned week.

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Back to Basics

For as long as I've tried to lose weight, I've never done some of the basic things that everyone suggests you do when really and truly want to do the right things. Two examples I have of this include writing down everything you eat and also planning out your meals.

I know I'm two days into the latest attempt, but I have to say one of the things that has helped me the most has been planning out my meals. I actually took the time to write out all three meals from Sunday - Saturday and am now sticking to it. I'm finding that my week doesn't have to be planned around my food, but I can plan everything else around what I'm eating. I have everything I need in the apartment. I'm cooking (second meal cooked at home tonight...sad but I don't even remember when the last time I did that was), I'm snacking, I'm taking care of myself. It's all around good.

I've made two other commitments for the month of March.
1. Journaling Everything- I'm going to write down everything I eat, even when I don't want to. I have noticed that I don't log my food when I'm eating not so healthy foods. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is exactly when I need to be keeping track of what's going in my mouth- and why.
2. Eating Out- Except for dinner with my friend Jigga, my anniversary and when Meghan & Rob are in town, I'm not going out to eat this month. I've already said no to go out to eat twice (both to lunch with Susannah and Cyrena yesterday- sorry!) and believe me when I tell you that's huge.

I always try to trick myself just a little bit. Like I think it's okay for me to go out to eat because I can find something healthful on the menu or I say that I need to learn to be in real life situations- I can't cut out eating at restaurants all together. But the truth is that I need to do things like that. I need to stop putting myself in situations that are difficult and tempting and all that shit.

I wish it wasn't such a challenge for me, I really do. But it is, and so I need to just make it as easy as possible for me.

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Trying Again

Well it's no secret that I've been beyond neglectful in posting to my blog. It's very much indicitave, unfortunately, of how the past month has gone for me. I have been eating like crap. I've gone running maybe two or three times. I have gotten down on myself and this process and I've really been questioning all of this.

The good thing is that at the end of the day, I still envision myself crossing that finish line in Dublin on October 27th, 2008. But I've gotten a little lost in the last month. Falling back into old patterns, working entirely too much, not putting myself first and just basically not doing anything that good for myself.

With this whole thing, all I can do is just dust myself off and try again. So that's what I'm doing. I've spent the weekend getting my home ready and getting me ready. It's meant clearing out the cabinets of any crap in the house, putting my running schedule back on my calendar (day one starts today), shopping at Trader Joe's, buying a scale, weighing myself for the first time in I don't know how long, taking vitamins and mentally preparing in other ways.

So here I am, trying again.

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