15:32

I woke up this morning and knew I was going to go for a run. I got up, fooled around on the computer, and then got on my running clothing and walked out the door. Armed with my watch and my kick-ass running playlist on my shuffle, I took off for the 2-mile loop I walk most mornings with my friend Elise. I haven't run for a week or more and I was happy that this wasn't terrible. I ran for just over 15 minutes and, more importantly, to the location I wanted to reach- the intersection of Adelaide & Ocean.

Why is it some mornings I have no problem getting up and going for a run (or any workout) and other days I cannot motivate myself to do a single thing? This morning what I had working in my favor was that I didn't have to work and my day was wide open until 1pm. I also genuinely wanted to go for a run. I didn't have anyone waiting for me. I didn't have anything I had to get done immediately. And I felt the desire to get out there and did just that.

The run itself felt good. I wanted to go longer, to run farther, but I did what I did...which was the longest I've run in a very long time. I'm still planning on running the 5k race on October 21st. I figure it can't hurt, right? Obviously it won't be the best race I've ever run in, but I'm okay with that.

Two more things:
1. My friend and yoga teacher Mandy teaches a spin class as well and I've really been wanting to try it for a while. In fact it was a goal of mine to try a spin class with Susannah in the month of September...well that's almost done and I still haven't done it. But Mandy emailed yesterday to see if I was up for trying spinning next Thursday and would I give her a ride to class. So I said yes! I am going to do a spin class and then do yoga. Should be interesting! And insane. I really am up for the challenge and I'm glad that Mandy emailed- it was just the push I needed to make this happen.
2. I got a blackberry on Wednesday and I'm really trying to determine if this is a good thing for me or not. I'm thinking it's not...but I'm taking the 30 days I get to return it without penalty to really determine. I'm not sure I want to be that connected all the time- so keyed into my work email and my personal email and have access to anything I want on the Internet at any single second of the day. At a time of my life when I'm trying to learn to relax more and take time for me, I'm not sure I need a device by my side that will without a doubt cause me to be more tied to my work and the Internet. I've already wasted entirely too much time trying to learn how to use the thing. Maybe I can just delete my work email from there and it'll be better? Who knows...I'm thinking though, that's for sure. I don't think having a blackberry will help me achieve balance in my personal and professional life though, that's one thing I know for sure

Tomorrow is a day of relaxing and watching TV with Audrey. I'm looking forward to doing basically nothing. My past few weekends have been really low-key and soooo nice. Come Monday I really do feel relaxed and ready to tackle the work week. It's amazing to not have a million and six things crammed into the week and on the weekends. This is a trend I will be continuing for sure!

Anyway, if you're reading this, I'm trying to find some new running songs. If you have a song that really motivates and gets you all pumped up, leave it in the comment section.

Until next time...here's for 18 minutes!

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Get Your Sh*t Together, Molly

It's been entirely too long since my last post. I mentioned that during the last post I put up at the beginning of September. It's starting to sound like the inside of my journal on here...where I talk about how it's been so long since my last post and then I talk about how I promise I'll be better. But I'm not going to say those things. It annoys me when I say that crap. So I'm just going to actually DO it and not SAY it.

I'm coming off a great weekend of doing nothing and really taking care of myself in one way by relaxing and letting my guard down and not worrying about anything. I caught up on all three movies that I had on Netflix- some I've had for close to two months. I caught up on my bills. I cleaned up the apartment. I hung out with Steve. It was just a really nice weekend. But I also ate poorly- pizza, Chinese food, a bacon egg and cheese and sausage egg and cheese biscuit from McDonald's (that was goooood), Fatburger...really let my guard down in that way as well.

The sad thing is I'm sitting here in this coffee shop thinking about how I haven't had dinner and I could really go for McDonald's. And in the back of my mind I'm wondering what time Whole Foods is open until. But really, how easy would it be to just get a Big Mac?

The past week and a half has been like that a lot. And I'm trying to figure out why, and I keep coming up with because I'm lazy. Because I can. Because I wanted to. Because it was easier than trying to eat well and take care of myself. Because it was fun.

But I hate all those lameass excuses or whatever they are. So tonight, when I was sitting at home, thinking about McDonald's or some other unhealthy food I thought I wanted...I called up a good friend, asked her to meet me out at a coffee shop and resolved to write about what's been going on so I can have it out there and continue my day of treating my body well.

This continues to be a daily struggle for me. This constant battle of making healthy decisions and not giving into the random not so good for me food choices I tend to think of entirely too much.

Yesterday I spoke with my mother and she asked me how things were going. When my mom asks how things are going, what she really means and wants to say is "Have you lost any weight?" "Is anyone commenting on you looking good?" Almost a year ago I asked my family not to talk with me about my weight. I asked them to not talk with me about it and to know that if I wanted to share things about my weight with them, I would. But over the course of the past year, I've become pretty good at understanding what the silences and general questions mean. So...when my mom asked how things were going, I shared with her that I was happy after my last therapy appointment when my therapist shared with me that my nutritionist shared with her (are you following) that I had a good weight loss the last time I was weighed. My mom was happy and satisfied to hear that and then said "That's good. Because we're all really looking forward to going to Ireland." What she was implying was that everyone was really looking forward to going to Ireland because of my plan to run the marathon. And it really hurt me, and pissed me off, that she said that. Implied that people wouldn't have as good of a time if I didn't manage to pull off running the marathon. This is why I don't share weight-related anything with my family...because it hurts me in the end and makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. After I shared with my mom how wrong I thought that was, she apologized up and down and said she took it back. But as we all know, the damage was already done.

Some good news is that I've kept up with the working out. It's really helpful that my friend Elise and I meet 3-4 mornings a week to go for a walk before I even start working. I like going for a walk before I start working, but find it difficult to motivate myself to go for a run first thing...I need to work on that.

Anyway, I am feeling a little deflated right now and know that I need to take some more time to think about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and how I can continue to move forward in a way that makes me feel good about me. Cause right now I'm feeling unsure of myself and my determination and motivation to not eat a million crappy things just because.

But tonight I promise to go home or to a grocery store and get something that will make me feel good about myself and what I put in my body. And I'm going to remember why I'm doing this.

Why am I doing this? Here are a few reasons:
1. I want to feel good about myself and what I look like.
2. I want to be happy with my appearance.
3. I want to walk by a mirror and not look in the opposite direction or walk in such a way that I can't see what I look like.
4. I want to not feel literally weighed down and gross after I eat some shitty meal.
5. I want to be energized by the foods I eat.
6. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be plagued by all the bad things in the world- many of which my own family has already been affected by and some of it because of poor food/lifestyle choices.
7. I want to workout easier and not feel so heavy when I do.
8. I don't want to constantly obsess and struggle with so many decisions I make regarding food.
9. I don't want to weigh as much as I do now.
10. I want to run a marathon on October 27th, 2008.

It's hard right now, but I know it won't always be like this and I know that I can and will do this.

Update at 1002pm: I just finished my dinner- a small mixed green salad with corn, carrots and tuna with balsamic vinegarette and feta cheese and yellowtail and avocado brown rice sushi from Whole Foods. Yay me.

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15 Minutes!

It's been a while since my last post, but last week was filled with activity. A run, three walks and yoga. This week is looking just as active, thankfully. I woke up and went for my two mile walk with Clancy and my friend Elise. Then when I got home Susannah and I hopped in the car and drove to the Brentwood Country Club, where we went for a run.

As we were setting out on our run, I said "I want to say this out loud, but my goal is to run for at least 12 1/2 minutes, but I'd like to really try for 15 minutes." And off we went. I didn't look at my watch until we were 12 minutes and 44 seconds into the run, so I was able to get to the 15 minutes without any problem. I mean I was struggling a bit at the end, but I was able to get to 15 minutes and it felt great!

My shins haven't bothered me in a while, which is a miracle in and of itself considering the pounding my entire body when through during the hike. But I'm not complaining, and will just continue on with the running. Susannah and I are going to aim for another 15 minutes on Wednesday.

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The Best of Mt. Lafayette

The soreness has gone away completely and the sadness has crept in a little more since hiking up and down Mt. Lafayette. I guess it's that the finality of what we did, now that I've gotten some distance from the pain of actually doing it, is settling more and more. I felt some of it when I was leaving New Hampshire last Sunday and just now as I was putting together the best of our photos. Take a peek.

Best of Mt. Lafayette

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