Monday, September 24, 2007

Get Your Sh*t Together, Molly

It's been entirely too long since my last post. I mentioned that during the last post I put up at the beginning of September. It's starting to sound like the inside of my journal on here...where I talk about how it's been so long since my last post and then I talk about how I promise I'll be better. But I'm not going to say those things. It annoys me when I say that crap. So I'm just going to actually DO it and not SAY it.

I'm coming off a great weekend of doing nothing and really taking care of myself in one way by relaxing and letting my guard down and not worrying about anything. I caught up on all three movies that I had on Netflix- some I've had for close to two months. I caught up on my bills. I cleaned up the apartment. I hung out with Steve. It was just a really nice weekend. But I also ate poorly- pizza, Chinese food, a bacon egg and cheese and sausage egg and cheese biscuit from McDonald's (that was goooood), Fatburger...really let my guard down in that way as well.

The sad thing is I'm sitting here in this coffee shop thinking about how I haven't had dinner and I could really go for McDonald's. And in the back of my mind I'm wondering what time Whole Foods is open until. But really, how easy would it be to just get a Big Mac?

The past week and a half has been like that a lot. And I'm trying to figure out why, and I keep coming up with because I'm lazy. Because I can. Because I wanted to. Because it was easier than trying to eat well and take care of myself. Because it was fun.

But I hate all those lameass excuses or whatever they are. So tonight, when I was sitting at home, thinking about McDonald's or some other unhealthy food I thought I wanted...I called up a good friend, asked her to meet me out at a coffee shop and resolved to write about what's been going on so I can have it out there and continue my day of treating my body well.

This continues to be a daily struggle for me. This constant battle of making healthy decisions and not giving into the random not so good for me food choices I tend to think of entirely too much.

Yesterday I spoke with my mother and she asked me how things were going. When my mom asks how things are going, what she really means and wants to say is "Have you lost any weight?" "Is anyone commenting on you looking good?" Almost a year ago I asked my family not to talk with me about my weight. I asked them to not talk with me about it and to know that if I wanted to share things about my weight with them, I would. But over the course of the past year, I've become pretty good at understanding what the silences and general questions mean. So...when my mom asked how things were going, I shared with her that I was happy after my last therapy appointment when my therapist shared with me that my nutritionist shared with her (are you following) that I had a good weight loss the last time I was weighed. My mom was happy and satisfied to hear that and then said "That's good. Because we're all really looking forward to going to Ireland." What she was implying was that everyone was really looking forward to going to Ireland because of my plan to run the marathon. And it really hurt me, and pissed me off, that she said that. Implied that people wouldn't have as good of a time if I didn't manage to pull off running the marathon. This is why I don't share weight-related anything with my family...because it hurts me in the end and makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. After I shared with my mom how wrong I thought that was, she apologized up and down and said she took it back. But as we all know, the damage was already done.

Some good news is that I've kept up with the working out. It's really helpful that my friend Elise and I meet 3-4 mornings a week to go for a walk before I even start working. I like going for a walk before I start working, but find it difficult to motivate myself to go for a run first thing...I need to work on that.

Anyway, I am feeling a little deflated right now and know that I need to take some more time to think about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and how I can continue to move forward in a way that makes me feel good about me. Cause right now I'm feeling unsure of myself and my determination and motivation to not eat a million crappy things just because.

But tonight I promise to go home or to a grocery store and get something that will make me feel good about myself and what I put in my body. And I'm going to remember why I'm doing this.

Why am I doing this? Here are a few reasons:
1. I want to feel good about myself and what I look like.
2. I want to be happy with my appearance.
3. I want to walk by a mirror and not look in the opposite direction or walk in such a way that I can't see what I look like.
4. I want to not feel literally weighed down and gross after I eat some shitty meal.
5. I want to be energized by the foods I eat.
6. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be plagued by all the bad things in the world- many of which my own family has already been affected by and some of it because of poor food/lifestyle choices.
7. I want to workout easier and not feel so heavy when I do.
8. I don't want to constantly obsess and struggle with so many decisions I make regarding food.
9. I don't want to weigh as much as I do now.
10. I want to run a marathon on October 27th, 2008.

It's hard right now, but I know it won't always be like this and I know that I can and will do this.

Update at 1002pm: I just finished my dinner- a small mixed green salad with corn, carrots and tuna with balsamic vinegarette and feta cheese and yellowtail and avocado brown rice sushi from Whole Foods. Yay me.


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